Making your New Years Resolutions actually stick — 3 little known tips!

relationship, Couples Therapy, Life Coach, marriage counseling, Relation Therapy, Relationship Therapy

Do people really expect New Years Resolutions to stick anymore?  Most of us probably have given up on the whole idea because it has fizzled so many times in the past.  Do you think that real change is just too difficult to attempt?

Maybe the reason that most resolutions  fail is because we have been given wrong information on how change happens.

Coaching people for 15 years I have seen some tips used which actually helped my clients keep their resolutions.

These are surprising because they are counter intuitive.  They can also be applied to any changes you would like to make.

 

1.)  Commit to a direction and not a specific thing.

Most advice tells you to be very specific and detailed writing your resolutions. The reason for a direction is that unless you are clairvoyant, you don’t actually have any idea whats going to happen in the future.

Try this experiment:

Think of a time you expected your future to look exactly like ______________? Go ahead and fill in the blank. So I ask you, “Did it turn out like you pictured it?”

So with a direction you allow for the creative wisdom of the universe to bring you amazing, wonderful events, people and situations that you could not even imagine in your wildest dreams.

2). Create your emotional state before you do anything.

 Create your emotional state before you do anything. I am a firm believer in the principles of NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming). One of the main concepts of NLP is that “Everything comes from state” (feeling  states). What that means is that whatever state you are in determines how you are going to do whatever you do.

This means that if you get yourself in a state of abundance and gratitude for your abundance(whatever that is at the moment) you will pull situations to you that contain all kinds of abundance, when you least expect it.
We all have so many blessings and focusing on them will bring more of the same.

More recent research in the field of science, especially epigenetics has validated further how important our emotional states are on our health and behavior.

 We now know from the  new field of epigenetics  that our feeling states actually influence how our cells behave.  Dr Bruce Lipton, a cellular biologist who taught at  the University of Michigan Medical School  and conducted pioneering studies with stem cells  at Stanford University wrote  The Biology of Belief.   In this book and in his videos in he explains the science of Epigenetics.  Epigenetics  explains how our thoughts, feelings and beliefs  and our very environment control our biology. This  affects  both our emotional and physical well being.

 

Dr Lipton explains epigenetics  in this  4 minute video 

Because your state is so vitally important to your level of manifestation and success and happiness I suggest to my coaching clients that they spend the first 6 minutes that they are awake doing specific things to get themselves in a resourceful state. ( This is the most powerful time of the day because the veil between the conscious and unconscious mind is very thin at this time).

And you may be wondering how anything significant can happen that fast. Believe me if you know how to do it, it does happen that fast.

And don’t take my word for it- try it yourself. I promise you that if you commit to doing this for 2 weeks, with the understanding that you will evaluate it in 2 weeks to see whether you want to keep it or not, you will be pleasantly surprised at the new things that come into your life.

The best part of doing this is that it brings surprising things into your life. This gives you a new sense of vitality! Try it and you’ll see…

3) Tap daily to create your most resourceful emotional state and remove fear.

 As you have probably surmised by now, I believe in the law of attraction. So my last tip is to tap every time you are overcome with the harmful emotions of fear, shame, humiliation, anger, worry and resentment.

These feelings will just bring you more of the same unwanted emotions so lets get rid of them as soon aw we are aware of them.

There’s a process to tap which releases emotions that are unwanted . The process is called EFT tapping or Emotional Freedom Techniques.

I teach this to all my clients because it is so helpful. And I use it myself every day.

In the EFT community we call it creating good feelings for no reason, because there are always good feelings lying just underneath these painful ones. Most people don’t realize that or they would tap more often!

If you would like to know more about this, contact me on this page of my website.https://www.susanquinn.net/free-coaching-session/

Trauma therapy is best done using somatic therapies

 trauma therapy

Trauma therapy is different than” talk therapy”

Trauma Therapy seems to be most effective when Mind-body therapies( or somatic therapies) are used  because they influence the area of the brain where fear is held, the amygdala.

Some of the Trauma Therapies are somatic therapies are EMDR, Emotional Freedom Techniques or EFT, Somatic Experiencing or SE.

Here is a presentation I did at Sovereign Healthcare in Culver City titled Somatic Therapy Techniques to Relieve Anxiety and the Effects of Trauma.  This is a long video but what it says is that the really effective therapies to treat trauma use this back and forth motion or pendulation ( as it is called in Somatic experiencing) while focusing on the body as a common theme.

Even though we don’t know exactly why EMDR works so well to desensitize trauma, we believe that the back and forth motion and juxtaposition of negative vs positive feelings , memories and sensations is  part of what causes the shift in how a person perceives a memory.

In FasterEFT which is a newer form of Emotional Freedom Techniques, Robert G. Smith  explains how alternating the “bad trance” and then the “good trance” cause the emotion around it to “collapse”.  It uses a cadence to do this

I have  developed this idea into another way to use these principles.  From a session I had with a client where we walked on the beach I noticed this same release of tension and painful emotions happening before we even talked about them.  She told me that as we were walking her emotions started to lift and she felt so much relief from the burden she had been feeling for the last week.

I realized that walking is this same back-and-forth movement and then there was the back-and- forth movement of the waves as we walked at the water’s edge were very therapeutic.  I’m going to incorporate more of this into my practice.

Not to mention that I love being at the beach anyway:)

 

outsmart holiday depression

6 easy ways to outsmart holiday depression

Thanksgiving is  upon us again and therefore Thanksgiving Depression which is part of holiday depression.


For most of us, the holidays are not as joyful as they are touted to be.  There are many reasons for this.  Many people compare the holiday today to happier ones in the past.  Comparisons are not useful because things are always changing. We need to be in the present to enjoy life.

Many people are alone or have lost loved ones with whom they previously enjoyed the holidays.

If you are feeling sad in this holiday season there is hope to change this if you will do a few simple preventative actions before the holidays are upon us.

  • PLAN AHEAD  Instead of just letting the holiday happen to you plan ahead some things that you will enjoy doing on the holiday.  It may be getting outside, seeing a movie, having a great meal, going for a long walk.  Plan something with a group of people like going to a meet up.  You can find these through meet up.com and they literally have a meet up on everything from going to the movies, to learning to cook Italian to walking on the beach.  People at meet ups are usually very friendly because they too are looking to meet new friends.
  • MONITOR YOUR THOUGHTS You can learn to manage your mood by monitoring your thoughts.  Hers’s how to do that.  Ask your observing mind to remind you each time you think a limiting thought .  A limiting thought says ” I can’t have that or do that because…….  These limiting thoughts are distorted so we need to bust them as they come happen.  So catch these thoughts and say to that thought, “I know that you’re real(meaning they have a real effect on the body) but you’re not true.  Instead of trying to argue with these limiting thoughts just watch them go bye in your mind, saying to yourself There is a worry going bye.”  “There is a fear going bye” and just let them pass as clouds pass across the sky.  You will see that you can separate from this if you practice this.
  • EXERCISE  Exercise raises your mood so plan to spend 30 minutes to an hour a day during the holidays exercising.  Doing it outside will boost your mood even more.  Health experts say we should spend at least an hour a day outside to be healthy.  Plan a specific type of exercise at a specific time for yourself (first thing in the morning is best).  This will give you a feeling of accomplishment as well as an energy boost. Also Zumba and Laughing Yoga are excellent mood raisers.
  • BE GRATEFUL  By setting the intention every morning when you wake up to find one NEW thing during the day to be grateful for.  This helps your mind look for the good things in your day.  At night write down what the thing you are grateful for.  This trains your mind to be on the outlook for good things.  Also   after a few weeks of this you will have to be creative finding new things to appreciate.  This will enhance your awareness as well as your happiness.
  • PLAN SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO  If you have a trip or event ( maybe even seeing a movie you have wanted to see) to look forward to this can keep your mood up during any sad times during the holidays.
  • GIVE BACK Look for a way to give to people less fortunate than you.  Start with the internet and do research on this and you will find a way to give back.  It could be at a church, school or retirement home.  Be creative and see what you can come up with.
PTSD Situation,PTSD,suicide,situations

New help for PTSD sufferers

A new research study shows that low does of the active ingredient in magic mushrooms repairs brain damage caused by trauma, giving new hope for PTSD sufferers.  In this study mice actually lost their fear and the fear response associated with it .

New help for PTSD sufferers:PTSD Situation


The PTSD situation is so bad that 18 American veterans commit suicide every day.  The suicide rate for veterans is higher that the number of veterans that were killed in combat in the last 5 years.

Read the article here

 

Failure to launch, Family Therapy

Failure to Launch : When adult children live at home- what can be done?

Failure to Launch

Failure to Launch

Many adult children are coming back home to live with their parents after college. Some do this on a temporary to set up their their next job or internship.  Some, however fall into a comfort zone and loose their focus on their future. Beginning in the 20’s a child needs to thing about the future and strategies on what path to take for the rest of his life.  Having a concept of the future is an important part of development as is taking risks.  The failure to do this leads to low self esteem and sometimes depression.  The longer it lasts the more hopeless your child may start to feel. What can parents to to help their adult child to launch ?

  • Make some rules and requirements of your adult child, such as paying rent, having a job, contributing to a savings account, working out, helping with home duties.
  • Help your adult child to resolve any emotional issues they may have.  Psychotherpy that is goal oriented is often helpful.
  • Forbid drugs and alcohol use while they are living with you.  These things lower motivation and self esteem.
  • Setting up structure with small achievable goals leads to feelings of mastery which naturally leads to more confidence in taking on new tasks and jobs

Above all, don’t feel guilty for making demands on your child because this will help him feel like he can succeed. focus

Relationships, Individual Therapy Services

Break Free From Impossible Relationships

We create impossible relationships by choosing people to meet our unmet needs from childhood. This sets up a vicious cycle of anticipation but then leads to disappointment. EFT is a way to remove the attractiveness of these impossible relationships so that we can choose relationships that are more likely to be successful.

To read my article about this EFT method, Break free from Impossible Relationships click here

relationship, Couples Therapy, Life Coach, marriage counseling, Relation Therapy, Relationship Therapy

Is your relationship feeling flat and unexciting? You must deal with resentments!

Most couples have resentments that they are not even aware of which destroy the intimacy in their  relationship.

In working with couples for 22 years in Los Angeles, I find that they become deadened to each other and the relationship over the years if they don’t put some effort into learning new skills.

Many couples come to me for marriage counseling wanting to put some passion and energy back into the relationship. They often say somethng like, “we have become like roommates, or ships passing in the night”.

This flatness in the relationship does not have to happen if the couple is willing to learn some new communication skills.

So what do couples need to learn to reignite the intimacy?


They need to learn how to give their partner attention, acknowledgement and affirmation. These are the things that couples often stop doing after they have been together for a while.

A new level of intimacy


I find that to get a couple back to a deeper level of connection I have to establish a strong base of support where each person agrees to be open to their own feelings and to those of their partner.  This leads the way to expressing vulnerability.  This takes some preparation but when a person can express vulnerability and have that accepted and acknowledged by the partner a new level of intimacy is introduced into the relationship.

Borderline Personality Disorder,Blog, Controlling Relationships with a BPD partner

How do I stop obsessing about a woman I love with Borderline Personality Disorder?

BPD Relationships


Borderline Personality Disorder

“How do I  stop obsessing over a BPD lover?” is a question I get over and over again.

The reason that this is such a common question and concern is that BPD’s have an amazing ability to  reach into your psyche and resonate with what you desire.

They have a deep connection with the unconscious which gives them an uncanny ability to almost read your mind much of the time.

This causes in their partner a sense of being “seen and heard” which can be very intoxicating…especially  if you have never truly felt “seen and heard”.

Actually I have found that most of us have far too little experiences of feeling “seen and heard”  But this feeling is what causes deep bonding.  It’s what we needed to get from the mother as a baby and when it has been in short supply the person is always  yearning for it  without realizing it consciously.

I have worked with many men who get hopelessly hooked on theses types of women, some of them who have suffered for years after the BPD left “unexpectedly” with not  a trace of how to ever find them.

BPD Symptoms.


You can tell if you are in a relationship with a BPD if you:

Are afraid to be honest because you get humiliated when you express an opinion.

Have been cut off from your friends and family so that you no longer have any place to “go” besides being with your partner.

When you try to have a life outside of the BPD you get punished.

Your partner doesn’t listen to you and makes you wrong when you express an opinion or preference to the pojnt where you have stopped expressing any of your “self ‘ since it brings up a huge conflict.

BPD Support


It is so important to get support if you are in a relationship with a BPD partner.  Either good therapy or a group that is knowledgeable about this disorder can guide you and get you out of danger.

 What can you do about this attraction to a BPD partner?


If you are a partner of a BPD, the only way to move through this pain is to understand what the BPD is triggering in you.  It is usually something you haven’t wanted to look at, because it is what we deny or disown that has power over us.  When we acknowledge our denied or repressed aspects and can hold them with compassion, we can begin to heal them …finally.

For more about how to understand the dynamics of this kind of relationship, click here.