borderline personality, borderline personality disorder, relationship, personality disorder, emotional abuse

Borderline Personality Relationships-are you in one?

Borderline Personality Relationships


Are you in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Have you had intense passion and intimate feelings for a person with high highs and low lows?

Does this sound familiar: obsessing about him/her, yet no matter what you do, you can’t seem please the person?

If this applies to you, read further to see if you are in a relationship with a “Borderline Personality.”

– Your partner swings from extremes like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

– one moment passionately loving you in a way that makes you feel very special and in the next moment attacking you, threatening you and even raging violently.

– Being blamed and criticized for everything wrong in the relationship to the point that you are afraid to reveal what you really think or feel. You feel like you are in a double bind: you’re dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. If you ask for anything you are told your needs are wrong or not important.

– Feeling that if you want to keep the relationship you have to deny what you feel to the point that you have become confused about what you really feel. You feel like you’re loosing your grip on reality.  Just when you decide you  have had enough the Borderline will throw in some caring behavior to throw you off balance and keep you confused.

– When you try to leave the relationship the other person makes declarations of love and devotion or makes threats to you like “no one but me will ever love you.” Emotional abuse victims can be convinced that no one else could want them and they stay in abusive situations because they believe that if they leave they will just be alone forever.

– The abusing person seems to have an uncanny ability to know what you’re thinking and can see into you with such amazing accuracy that you feel special in some way when you are with them much of the time. Longing for these loving moments when you feel seen keep you in the relationship.

-Emotional abuse can be more damaging than psysical abuse because the insults, criticism and accusations chip away at the person’s self esteem and their very core until they blame themselves for the abuse and sometimes even cling to the abuser. Often the abuser in this type of relationship has Borderline Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Traits.

Help is available


If you know anyone who is in a relationship like this please show them this article and let them know that they need help. Both people in an abusive relationship need help.  I work with couples in abusive relationships to show them what can be done to create a good relationship.  I also can give the person with BPD a referral to a therapist who is skilled in working with this issue.  Anyone who is truly committed to doing what it takes to change can change these destructive behaviors and learn how to have a good relationship.
Solution Focused Therapy,brief therapy,couples therapy, Life Coach,Life Coach Los Angeles,short term therapy,solution focused couples therapy,solution focused therapy

Solution Focused Therapy, the fast track to change

Solution Focused Therapy Techniques


Solution Focused Therapy was developed in a therapy setting and widely used for therapy since the 1980’s.

In the last decade it has become popular for coaching, so we now have solution focused coaching .

It is unlike many traditional therapies in that it focuses purely on the desired situation or goal.

People and especially therapists have been trained to look for the problem and to analyze it to bring about a change or the desired goal.

Solution Focused Therapy Techniques


Solution Focused therapy will not allow much discussion of the problem and only looks at what will be happening when the desired situation is already happening (the goal) and what will the client be doing to bring about these changes.  Once the client can see or visualize clearly the desired situation, the therapist then asks the client,”what small step will you take this week to achieve this goal.  The client always knows what is needed to achieve the goal, but maybe not in a conscious way.  The solution focused therapist helps to draw out this information from a position of being a half step behind the client.  The client always has the “knowing” but needs the therapist to focus him on  the desired state or condition and break it down into small doable goals.  The client then commits to a goal (tiny step) that he will accomplish by the next session.

This works to get results, or the desired change because we tend to create more of what we focus on. As explained in the law of attraction writings, our state of mind and focus draw to us that which we are dwelling upon. This causes viscious cycles of downward spirals which keep people feeling stuck and helpless, focusing on and analyzing their problems.

This focus on problems is particularly harmful with couples because couples typically come into therapy focusing on what’s wrong with the other person.  In fact, the main motivation for couples coming into therapy is probably to try to get the other person to change.  Focusing on changing the partner causes power struggles and the partner often will dig in his heels and become even more intent on not changing, because after all he is” right”.

One of the principles of Solution Focused therapy is that change is always happening. In solution focused therapy we direct the client to look at when things are better and exceptions to the problem.  Clients are usually surprised when asked to focus on what’s working, that there are actually times when the problem is not present.  By looking at the problem free times the client can start to become aware of what he/she is doing differently.  Once they are looking for these behaviors in themselves, the very act of looking for those times causes the mind to focus on and strengthen the positive aspects.

Want to Make a Positive Change Now?

Try this strategy out for yourself.

  1. Think of a problem that you want to eliminate
  2. Focus on the success you want instead.  Ask yourself, “What do I want instead of the problem?  How will I know I have this and what will be different? What will I be doing different when I have achieved this success?”
  3. Look for what is a situation where success has already happened in the past.  What caused this success ?  What were you doing differently?  How were you able to do that?”
  4. What is one thing you did to cause this success in the past that you could carry forward and do again now? Commit to taking one small step this week and see what happens.
EMDR Therapy, EMDR Technique

EMDR, A Powerful New Therapy for Relief From Trauma and Intrusive Memories

What Is EMDR Therapy?


EMDR is a powerful new therapy modality, and is becoming more widely used by therapists.

As more and more people have experienced its ability to help them change painful emotions and self-limiting beliefs, EMDR therapists and EMDR Clinics are using this therapy for people dealing with everyday challenges.

With this EMDR Psychotherapy modality, people are finding that they don’t need years of therapy.


EMDR

EMDR, or “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing” was first developed in the late 1980s. It originally was used in PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder) to desensitize memories and flashbacks from traumatic war experiences. People who had been in therapy for years with no success in desensitizing their Viet Nam war scenes, found relief with this type of therapy in a short amount of time. It then became widely used in disaster situations such as the Oklahoma City bombing of the Federal building where it was used with the surviving victims and their family members.

Not everyone has had major trauma in their past, but we all have had hurtful experiences growing up, as a part of life. These experiences cause us to develop certain beliefs about ourselves, and what we can accomplish and expect from life. As I use EMDR with clients, I find that many of the limiting beliefs a person has about themselves disappear, because they were based on these hurtful experiences of the past (formed by the child that existed then). Once the pain around these experiences is desensitized, they are free from the limiting cognition, or belief that they formed about themselves as a result of that belief. They now get a more realistic, and adult belief about the self, because the emotional charge which held the original, child view of the self, in place has been removed.

 Trauma and Intrusive Memories

What is the EMDR Technique?


So how did this new modality of psychotherapy come about? A psychologist in Northern California, Francine Shapiro,was walking in the park one day, thinking about something that was troubling her. She noticed at some point, that her eyes started moving spontaneously back and forth, and that this seemed to take the “disturbing quality away from the issue that was troubling her. She developed this further by working with war veterans and the astounding successes she had with them attracted much interest among psychological researchers.

Researchers believe that material which is too painful to be processed consciously is processed by the brain during REM sleep. What is thought to be happening with EMDR is that it is similar to REM (rapid eye movement) sleep processing, and that the eye movements move the material along, causing it to process through the brain/body, leaving the person free of the strong feelings that were originally attached to the trauma, opening a space for new perceptions about the reprocessed issue. It is also thought that the bilateral nature of the stimulation (across the midline of the brain) facilitates right brain-left brain communication.

These are the EMDR Tools used during psychotherapy:

There are about 40,000 licensed psychotherapists throughout the world who are trained in this procedure. Due to a wider public demand for this treatment, therapists are finding and developing more and more uses for this powerful therapy modality. I use it for self esteem enhancement, trauma resolution, anxiety, and depression, amd just about any issue people have, due to its effectiveness. I even use it to desensitize cravings for food and cigarettes.

In working with my clients, I find that it is essential to clear past hurts from the family of origin in order to have intimate, satisfying relationships with the people in their lives now. This process moves people along toward accomplishing their goal faster than anything that I have ever used. I take a developmental approach, clearing traumas from key past events and transition points in the clients life.

Here is an informational EMDR Video:

This is an EMDR video demonstration from the 20/20 TV show

EMDR Video

 

Love Rewires,Life Coach Los Angeles, norman, Therapist Los Angeles

How Love Rewires The Brain

This article shows how love and novelty rewire the brain. To keep a relationship exciting, you must inject novelty. This novelty triggers the hormone dopamine which is the pleasure hormone. This article below shows how to do this.

How Love Rewires the Brain
(and Other Romantic Secrets of Brain Chemistry)

Norman Doidge, MD, PhD

There are several neurotransmitters that seem to be involved in novelty. Dopamine is often spoken of and aspects of norepinephrine are involved in novelty, too.

But basically, what happens in life is that if you keep doing the same thing of any kind, your dopamine chemistry is not being triggered.

Sometimes, when you hear people complaining about monogamy as being boring, it’s not that their mate is boring, it’s just that there’s a certain amount of routine involved in monogamous relationships or long-term, steady relationships.

It’s good to know about that and learn how to manipulate your dopamine to some degree. You should pay some attention to the fact that if you want to maintain a long-term relationship, you’re going to have to do certain things to inject some novelty into it.

People – and I am not inventing this – who are very good at love know how to do this. Part of the reason you might want to go on vacation is to be with your beloved in a totally new situation – a new place where you’re both doing a lot of learning. It’s turning on that dopamine chemistry that’s allowing you to discover new things in the beloved. Probably that is what a new suit and a new dress is about, too.

So, again, this is just part of knowing about the “Users’ Guide to the Brain” – just knowing about the art of life and that your brain evolved to learn.

It is not just for learning – it is for self-regulation, too. The brain has to be learning to feel fit. So you always have to be learning new things, and even within the context of a relationship, I think you have to be learning together to keep that relationship feeling really vital.

Putting Ideas into ActionJoan Borysenko, PhD
Bill O’Hanlon, MS, LMFT

Bill O’Hanlon: One of the challenges with long-term relationships is that they do get into ruts – and they say the difference between a rut and the grave is just the dimensions. Some relationships can get so boring that people want to leave or have an affair…just to get that dopamine hit again.I think Dr. Doidge is talking about the dark and light side of plasticity. The good news is that you don’t have to work on your relationship every day like you do when it’s new. It’s like driving to work every day – you don’t really have to think about it. That’s the good news about brain plasticity; you get really efficient at doing the day-to-day things you need to do.But we know relationships can be a challenge, so anything you can do to change it up is a good idea.There are two ways you can do this. One is to change the usual problems that you have. I remember years ago in a relationship of mine, my partner always complained that she felt responsible for doing everything about the house – noticing the repairs and doing them, calling the plumber, and calling the dentist for the kids… I was okay with that because, “I just don’t attend to that stuff.”But one day I thought to myself, “I’m so tired of hearing that complaint. I’m going to go around the house and list everything I can see. I’m really going to pay attention – because I usually don’t notice these things – and I’m going to get about five things done.” I’ll tell you, we didn’t have that argument for a year after that because I’d blown my stereotype!

So, here’s the question: What does your partner usually complain about that bothers him/her about what you do again and again? This is just one way of changing up the relationship.

There are three ways, or areas, which you can change. Change the viewing (and that, I think, connects to mindfulness). If you notice something new about your partner, it increases the satisfaction – your satisfaction and your partner’s satisfaction. “Wow, I never noticed that your hair goes like this…”

Change how you’re used to seeing someone. “That’s a different blouse you’re wearing today.” Or, “That’s interesting.” Or, “You got up at a different time.” Just view any change that they have made – really notice it rather than thinking, “Oh, that’s my partner, I know what they do, I know how they are.”

It’s all about changing the viewing, changing the doing, and changing the context. Dr. Doidge talks about going on vacation – but there are many ways of changing the context. You could rearrange the furniture in your house and that might change your interactions because you’ve been used to sitting in certain places – now, all of a sudden, this changes things.

Small changes just increase the interest and make a difference in the relationship so you don’t fall into those ruts.

Joan Borysenko: Dr. Doidge makes such an interesting point here about the need to continue to trigger high levels of dopamine because that gives us pleasure, keeps the relationship alive.

I’ll give you a personal example: I am not a cowboy boot kind of girl, but my husband loves cowboy boots and country dancing. So now, I have three pairs of cowboy boots. I know how to do the two-step and we go out from time to time for country dancing. That means I have an interest in something he has, but it’s still a novel thing we do together.

The question I would ask, first of all, is this: What are your partner’s hobbies? Is there something that, if you just give yourself over to it and try, that you could love and join him/her in doing?

The second suggestion would be this: Is there a hobby that, in fact, the two of you can take up together? That can add a tremendous amount of novelty and excitement to life. Also, it just takes you outside the bounds of your normal context.

Depression,Empty Nest

5 Action Steps to get you out of Empty Nest Depression fast.

1) Acknowledge your feelings of loss and allow yourself to feel upset.

2) Start making a list of all the things you have wanted to do in your life that you haven’t yet gotten to. Pick one of these to start this week.

3) Seek out friends who have been through this or can understand how you feel and talk with them about your feelings.

4) Keep a journal or spend 5 minutes meditating outside every morning. Remember the amount of time meditating is not important. It is the regularity and commitment that count so commit to 5 minutes when you first wake up. You’ll be surprised how much this will raise your spirits.

5) Seek professional help if you are feeling overwhelmed.

relationship, Couples Therapy, Life Coach, marriage counseling, Relation Therapy, Relationship Therapy

Remove Relationship Fears with EFT to attract the Relationship you deserve.

Remove Relationship Fears to Attract the Relationship You Deserve


Relationship Problems Answers

 When to LeaveRelationships  After a breakup or a divorce we feel more vulnerable in attracting a person with whom to have a relationship.  I work with many women who feel that they are somehow flawed when a relationship ends. These feelings often keeps these women from trying to meet people or cause them to fail when they do. EFT  stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques and it is a wonderful energy therapy that is simple and easy to learn. Its purpose is to move fear and other negative emotions through and out of the body.

In EFT we tell the body what feelings we want to reduce by acknowledging them and then deleting them. This is similar to the way we highlight and delete text on a computer. We acknowledge our feelings by using this formula, ” even though I have this (fear, sadness..etc.) I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” This sentence is repeated three times as we tap our hand on the Karate Chop point.

 Step 1: Karate Chop Point and “Even Though” Statements


The Karate Chop point is below the little finger  and it is along the side of the hand. Once you have found the Karate Chop point, start tapping at this point and repeat after me:
  • Even though I often feel unworthy of having a loving intimate relationship, I want to completely accept myself anyway.
  • Even though I feel unlovable, I completely accept myself now.
  • Even though, I don’t feel like anyone would stay with me if they really knew me, I want to deeply and completely accept myself now.

Step 2: Tapping Around the points on The Face to Reduce Negative Emotion and relationship fears

This step requires us to acknowledge negative feelings, thus as we tap we are must highlight these negative emotions.

  • Now tapping on the inside corner of the eyebrow “EB” and repeat after me:  I don’t deserve to have someone I would want to be with.
  •  Next find the outside corner of the eye “CE” and repeat after me: “A great person wouldn’t want me.”
  •  Next find the area under the eye “UE” and repeat after me: ” I am only attractive to loosers.”
  • Next find the area under the nose “UN” and repeat after me:  “I’m afraid if I meet someone good they will find out that I’m flawed.
  •  Finally, find the collar bone “CB” and repeat after me : It’s pointless to even try because all the good ones are already taken anyway.”

Step 3: Acknowledgement of Positive Thoughts and Feelings

By now we have already acknowledge out negative feelings. Now we want to reduce and replace those thoughts with positive ones.

  • Start by finding the top of your head, “TH.” Ones you find it, repeat after me: What if a good person was able to really love me after all?
  • Under the arm “UA”  (Take a moment to inhale deeply here):  What if someone desirable was able to love me?
  •   Next find the eyebrow, “EB” then repeat after me:  what if that could really happen once or twice or even three times? (Keep tapping ) Is it possible?
  • What if they could like me with all my faults and negative traits? 
  • What if they actually liked my negative traits? What if I actually enjoyed the things about them that they didn’t like ? 
  • What if they found my negative traits delightful? 
  • What if they accepted all my shortcomings and I accepted theirs as well.What if they wanted me even thought I have all these challenges?
  •  What if they were accepting of their own problems and mine as well? 
  • What if I could see beyond their frailties and challenges and they could see beyond mine as well? 
  • What if I could accept their challenges and quirks and could see their spiritual being?
  • What if I could love their soul and we could just simply love each other in pure acceptance? 
  • Isn’t that what we all want anyway?

If you do this tapping sequence every day at least once you will change the beliefs that you have about yourself thus enabling you to  have the relationship you deserve and desire.

Moms,stepchildren, reduce conflicts

Reduce conflict between step moms and their step children…the most important thing to do.

Moms and stepchildren


Since more than half of marriages are now ending in divorce, we have many blended families or step families today. The problem is that families don’t blend all that well.  Children and teens have loyalties to the birth mother and often yearn to have their birth parents back together.

What comes out of this unsettling time when families are breaking up and getting” reconstructed” is that the children will “test” to see how far they can influence the family to get their way.  This is understandable because they are really searching for stability, even though they don’t consciously realize it. The stability and predictability of what the rules are has been taken away from them.  They need strong and enforced limits to feel safe again….that’s right…limits that are consistently enforced actually make everyone feel safe.

The cornerstone of a family is structure.


If you have a solid structure the family will work because each person knows what is expected of them and the consequences of “breaking the rules”.  In order to find out if there really are consequences for breaking the rules the child will test the limits.

The most common way of testing in a blended family is to try to turn one “parent ” against the other.  An example that I see working with blended families it where the daughter in a new blended family will try to turn the new woman ,a prospective stepmom ,against the father by telling her things about the father…. things like ” he won’t ever marry you” and things that will make the new woman  feel insecure about the relationship.

This is called “triangling” in family therapy speak, where one person talks about another family member when they’re not present and tries to turn one against the other.  So you may wonder, Why is this so damaging?

The answer is that by doing this the executive branch of the family ,( the father and stepmom or new woman) is being weakened by allowing a child to be pulled up into that position.  Structural family therapy is built on the fact that the structure of a family , like a house, needs to have separate levels.  The parents belong in the executive level  at the top and the children belong below that level in the child level.  Like a house, when you build a strong foundation, you will have a good house.  The parental dyad being united in the executive position ensures this structure which makes everyone in the family feel safe because there is a position for the parents and for the children.

Even though we all test limits to see if they are real, we really yearn for them because they make up feel safe and show us where our position is so that we can win in the family.  The best way to stop this attempt at “triangling” by a child is to have a hard and fast rule that says ” We don’ t talk abut the other person when they are not present.  Just having the rule is not enough, it MUST be consistently followed.  This will eliminate many of the conflicts in a blended family.

Relationship Success

For Relationship Success, Escape the Anguish of Wanting Emotional Acknowledgement that Never Comes

Release the Phantasy if You Expect to Ever Enjoy the Real Thing


I use the word “phantasy” with clients, to describe their made-up vision of what life would’ve been like if only… Their vision of that alternative reality isn’t simply a fiction or daydream. It’s a vivid and compelling image resonating deep within.

Secrets to Having a Successful Relationship

A person’s phantasy represents such a tangible desire, that nothing else satisfies their craving for precisely that. What they received instead pales by comparison. They’re often left in a never-satisfied state of longing for acknowledgement. In many cases it’s carried since early childhood – well into adulthood.

Quit Setting Yourself up for Disappointment


All of us feel a need to be loved in a way that feels “just right.” And what that means is totally unique for everyone. Moving beyond the insatiable hunger for affirmation from particular people permits focusing on more positive and realistic goals.

Improve your Self-Esteem


The need is indeed real. But it is not realistic. The harder we try to pull the desired response from another person, the more they resist. This sets us up for a continuous cycle of failure – which replays itself in a hundred little ways. The original problem grows despite our determined efforts to solve it.

A future article will be, “The Apparent Problem Isn’t the Problem.” Every “problem” results from our previous efforts to resolve it.
An Insight that Unblocked the Impasse

Keys to a Good Relationship


My client, Linda, has spent her 34 years trying to get her mother to recognize her value. When her mother bitterly criticizes her (as she’s always done), Linda goes the spectrum, from pleading with her to see her value, to scolding her mother for being mean and critical. However, none brings the response she wants.

I told her about another client, (Kathy) who also struggled to get her mother’s approval. Kathy received a letter saying she’d passed the Psychology Licensing Exam. Kathy called her mother in the heat of her excitement. The response she got was devoid of interest, or the desired validation.

“Oh, that’s nice. I knew you would. I’m on the other line; I’ll call you back.” Her mother never called back, and didn’t mention her accomplishment when they next spoke.

As Linda listened, she said, “That’s good that her mother said, ‘I knew you would.'”

I demonstrated the mother’s flat tone.

Linda responded, “I see what you mean. We need to be acknowledged exactly how we want it. Even though this was good, (more than I’d get from my mom) it still didn’t provide what she wanted. What did Kathy want to hear?”

“That’s a good question. I asked her just that. Kathy told me, ‘I wanted to hear, I’m so proud of you, Kathy. You’re so smart, and you’ve worked so hard. You completely deserve this.'”

Linda’s face registered a deep understanding, “Wow, that’s so powerful!”

During her next session, Linda brought up the story again. “Even though Kathy’s mother wasn’t hateful, like mine, Kathy still needed to hear something specific from her mother. This keeps her continuously yearning, like me.”

Linda learned from Kathy’s story. Her comments revealed a shift in perception, which will change her behavior, little by little. She’s moving from her phantasy, toward more attainable goals that serve her better.

Developing Habits for Relationship Success


The work is to focus on your own authentic goals for YOURSELF. If the goals you set for yourself are in line with your core values, you’ll get motivation and inspiration from within. That feels completely awesome.
Hitting Your Emotional Bulls Eye Follows Changing Your Expectations

My definition Emotional Maturity – Releasing that phantasy… that we’ll be loved exactly the way we want (need) to be loved.” An appropriate desire – yes. A realistic one – no. But relief is possible, even if people you’ve relied on to provide it don’t change at all.

Trying to get people to correspond to our phantasy expectations seldom brings the desired results. Once you stop expecting a particular response, people actually want to do it. It’s paradoxical. In fact, they’re responding (albeit unconsciously) to a new dynamic that you brought into the relationship. The needy striving is absent.

Acknowledge Your Worth


To the extent we’ve sacrificed our self-satisfaction to other people’s approval, we each need to develop within ourselves the parental approval we want so badly. That’s another reward from releasing the phantasy.

Since lack of acknowledgement is a familiar type of frustration, future articles will show how to reclaim your power and self-respect. For example, Kathy’s treatment by her husband is similar to her mother’s. (Not a coincidence.) Understanding this relationship with her mother in a new way reveals the dynamics that caused her to select him as a husband.

Releasing a phantasy changes yourself – along with the situations you feared would never change. That’s a tangible shift of perspective that changes your future possibilities.

Learn More: Turn to therapy and break free from impossible relationships with EFT

 

EMDR

EMDR: A Powerful New Therapy for Healing Emotional Pain

EMDR was developed over 20 years ago…


It was used and tested mostly on Vietnam Veterans who were suffering from intrusive memories from the War. Since then, it has become increasingly popular, due to its ability to move the process of psychotherapy along at a swift pace. Not only does EMDR take the emotional charge off a traumatic event from the past: also, the meaning of that earlier event changes, leading to new self concepts and behaviors.

As the process evolved and became more widely used, therapists realized that they could use it on any troubling event or memoryfrom the past. in my private practice, I work with many “everyday traumas” that cause people to have limiting beliefs about themselves. A child is so vulnerable to its environment in the first 5 or 6 years, that it often gets messages from events about itself; for example…I’m too big/small, lazy, stupid, the “wrong sex”, and deficient in some way, don’t deserve love, am powerless, am a disappointment.

All of these beliefs make sense to the child’s mind, and they need to be explored and understood in that perspective before they can be released to make room for more realistic perspectives and beliefs about the self.

Why is EMDR Psychotherapy so effective in unearthing trauma, and the resulting self-limiting beliefs?

Bessel van der Kolk in discussing the research of Martin Teicher (Teicher etal, 1997) points out that with the new brain imaging technology, we have found that trauma, and the recalling of traumatic experiences occurs in the right hemisphere of the brain and to the exclusion of the left hemisphere. Regular “talking therapy”, without EMDR uses language to process memories. Given that the left hemisphere becomes inactive when a traumatic memory is recalled, it is understandable that verbal therapies have not been able to resolve many issues. Part of what EMDR does is to provide a non-verbal body focus, which seems to stimulate inter-hemispheric activity.

What Is EMDR Therapy?


The client is directed to hold a troubling image in awareness, with its accompanying sensory experiences, and the distorted negative belief (i.e. I am bad, it was my fault, I’m powerless, and I don’t deserve love). Along with this is used alternate bilateral brain stimulation (by eye movements, sound moving from ear to ear or tapping). As the client follows this process, observing his feelings, he experiences a letting go of the feelings and the symptoms that developed as a result of this event. He then is free to live in the present, and feel safe again.

How EMDR Can Be Used With Pain And Healing?


I was using EMDR with a patient who had Multiple Sclerosis. To help her regulate her pain and emotional state. We began by focusing on the pain, along with a picture that represents the pain (from 1 to 10), 10 being the worst it could be. The patient hold all this in awareness, along with the belief about the self they feel as they look at this scene.

EMDR

She focused on the pain she felt in her ankle, and rated it at a level of disturbance of a 7. The picture was her collapsing onto the floor, when her ankle was too weak to hold her up. The belief she had about herself was “I can’t take care of myself”.

What do you experience with the EMDR Technique?


As we did the EMDR processing while she closed her eyes and tried to hold all these things in her awareness, she saw her self as a child being blamed in an angry way by her mother for not taking care of her younger sister when she was just age 6. Her sister fell out of her high chair and injured her face badly. As we stayed with all these parts of that experience, she had many new thoughts and awarenesses about what the appropriate responsibility roles of her parents and herself at that young age of 6 had been. Shethen began to release the feelings of her own “Badness” and the shame that she had felt from this. This shifted her feeling of unworthiness of having anything good happen to her.

We now needed to work on the pain again in her ankle. As she focused on it, using the EMDR stimulation it came down from a 9 to a 4, in intensity. As I would ask her the level of intesity of her pain, she would report what thoughts were gong through her mind. She pictured many scenes from growing up where she would stop herself from expressing what she wanted or felt, in order to please others. I asked her to step into the scene she was picturing as the grown up adult of today and to help that child (her younger self) by asking the child what would she have needed to make that painful situation a little easier. The chilld’s answer was to know that she was valued. This adult part of my patient was able to re-parent that chld part ofher in exactly the way the child needed it. The amazing thing I have found from working in this way for 18 years, is that when we simply ask ( in a sincere, caring way) those parts of us that are so needy, what is is that they needed then, they will tell us and then we can give it to them, energetically, through our intention.

As we kept reprocessing and desensitizing other incidents she reported a level of pain that varied from 3 to 7. She was much more aware of the pain levels she had, and we built in ways for her to reduce her level of pain with imagery that she could use at any time she wanted.

The other thing that can be done to reduce pain with EMDR is just to focus on the pain using the alternate bi-lateral simulation. This changes a person’s experience in their body.

There is much research to be found on EMDR on the web. Start with www.emdr.com .
emotional affairs in the workplace,Coaching, Couples Therapy, EFT Therapy, Infidelity, Infidelity page, Relationship Therapy, Self-esteem

Emotional Affairs in the work place

Emotional Affairs in the Workplace


I am having a large increase of couples coming into couples therapy to deal with an emotional affair.  I am seeing quite a few middle aged couples in which one of the spouses ends up starting emotional affairs in the workplace.

Secret Emotional Affair


The way an emotional affair can develop is that the two people start emailing more and more often.  When their conversation gets personal and they start talking about their marriage and complaining about their spouse, this is the beginning of an emotional affair.  Soon this develops into a  place to share greivances and get validation.

Emotional Affair Signs


Often when this happens the couple want to go farther and often will start meeting even though they may live thousands of miles apart.  When this happens the emotional affair usually develops into a full-blown affair.

If you are having an emotional affair or know someone who is, please warn them that this is dangerous if they want to keep their marriage.

An emotional affair is even more seductive than a sexual affair because of the freedom that most people feel compelled to communicate on the internet.  Conversing back and forth has a sense of immediacy and intimacy when it is done continually for a period of time.  Texting is intimate and immediate.  This causes connection.  A relationship is built on connection, interest and validaton.  Emailing and texting provide the context for a relationship to develop with a special kind of intimacy.

Surviving  An Emotional Affair


Don’t take an  emotional affair casually because this kind of communication provides the basis for a strong attraction to develop.  If you are doing this know that you are cheating even though sex is not envolved.   Cheating is simply a sign something is missing in the relationship.  Most people who cheat don’t want their marriage to end, they just want the excitement of  something new.  The truth is that you can create something new in your marriage if you use the threat of an emotional affair to  start to explore and find out what is missing in your own marriage and create a new closeness and intimacy there with the help of a good therapist.