borderline personality, borderline personality disorder, relationship, personality disorder, emotional abuse

Borderline Personality Relationships-are you in one?

Borderline Personality Relationships


Are you in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Have you had intense passion and intimate feelings for a person with high highs and low lows?

Does this sound familiar: obsessing about him/her, yet no matter what you do, you can’t seem please the person?

If this applies to you, read further to see if you are in a relationship with a “Borderline Personality.”

– Your partner swings from extremes like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

– one moment passionately loving you in a way that makes you feel very special and in the next moment attacking you, threatening you and even raging violently.

– Being blamed and criticized for everything wrong in the relationship to the point that you are afraid to reveal what you really think or feel. You feel like you are in a double bind: you’re dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. If you ask for anything you are told your needs are wrong or not important.

– Feeling that if you want to keep the relationship you have to deny what you feel to the point that you have become confused about what you really feel. You feel like you’re loosing your grip on reality.  Just when you decide you  have had enough the Borderline will throw in some caring behavior to throw you off balance and keep you confused.

– When you try to leave the relationship the other person makes declarations of love and devotion or makes threats to you like “no one but me will ever love you.” Emotional abuse victims can be convinced that no one else could want them and they stay in abusive situations because they believe that if they leave they will just be alone forever.

– The abusing person seems to have an uncanny ability to know what you’re thinking and can see into you with such amazing accuracy that you feel special in some way when you are with them much of the time. Longing for these loving moments when you feel seen keep you in the relationship.

-Emotional abuse can be more damaging than psysical abuse because the insults, criticism and accusations chip away at the person’s self esteem and their very core until they blame themselves for the abuse and sometimes even cling to the abuser. Often the abuser in this type of relationship has Borderline Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Traits.

Help is available


If you know anyone who is in a relationship like this please show them this article and let them know that they need help. Both people in an abusive relationship need help.  I work with couples in abusive relationships to show them what can be done to create a good relationship.  I also can give the person with BPD a referral to a therapist who is skilled in working with this issue.  Anyone who is truly committed to doing what it takes to change can change these destructive behaviors and learn how to have a good relationship.

relationship, Couples Therapy, Life Coach, marriage counseling, Relation Therapy, Relationship Therapy

Remove Relationship Fears with EFT to attract the Relationship you deserve.

Remove Relationship Fears to Attract the Relationship You Deserve


Relationship Problems Answers

 When to LeaveRelationships  After a breakup or a divorce we feel more vulnerable in attracting a person with whom to have a relationship.  I work with many women who feel that they are somehow flawed when a relationship ends. These feelings often keeps these women from trying to meet people or cause them to fail when they do. EFT  stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques and it is a wonderful energy therapy that is simple and easy to learn. Its purpose is to move fear and other negative emotions through and out of the body.

In EFT we tell the body what feelings we want to reduce by acknowledging them and then deleting them. This is similar to the way we highlight and delete text on a computer. We acknowledge our feelings by using this formula, ” even though I have this (fear, sadness..etc.) I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” This sentence is repeated three times as we tap our hand on the Karate Chop point.

 Step 1: Karate Chop Point and “Even Though” Statements


The Karate Chop point is below the little finger  and it is along the side of the hand. Once you have found the Karate Chop point, start tapping at this point and repeat after me:

  • Even though I often feel unworthy of having a loving intimate relationship, I want to completely accept myself anyway.
  • Even though I feel unlovable, I completely accept myself now.
  • Even though, I don’t feel like anyone would stay with me if they really knew me, I want to deeply and completely accept myself now.

Step 2: Tapping Around the points on The Face to Reduce Negative Emotion and relationship fears

This step requires us to acknowledge negative feelings, thus as we tap we are must highlight these negative emotions.

  • Now tapping on the inside corner of the eyebrow “EB” and repeat after me:  I don’t deserve to have someone I would want to be with.
  •  Next find the outside corner of the eye “CE” and repeat after me: “A great person wouldn’t want me.”
  •  Next find the area under the eye “UE” and repeat after me: ” I am only attractive to loosers.”
  • Next find the area under the nose “UN” and repeat after me:  “I’m afraid if I meet someone good they will find out that I’m flawed.
  •  Finally, find the collar bone “CB” and repeat after me : It’s pointless to even try because all the good ones are already taken anyway.”

Step 3: Acknowledgement of Positive Thoughts and Feelings

By now we have already acknowledge out negative feelings. Now we want to reduce and replace those thoughts with positive ones.

  • Start by finding the top of your head, “TH.” Ones you find it, repeat after me: What if a good person was able to really love me after all?
  • Under the arm “UA”  (Take a moment to inhale deeply here):  What if someone desirable was able to love me?
  •   Next find the eyebrow, “EB” then repeat after me:  what if that could really happen once or twice or even three times? (Keep tapping ) Is it possible?
  • What if they could like me with all my faults and negative traits? 
  • What if they actually liked my negative traits? What if I actually enjoyed the things about them that they didn’t like ? 
  • What if they found my negative traits delightful? 
  • What if they accepted all my shortcomings and I accepted theirs as well.What if they wanted me even thought I have all these challenges?
  •  What if they were accepting of their own problems and mine as well? 
  • What if I could see beyond their frailties and challenges and they could see beyond mine as well? 
  • What if I could accept their challenges and quirks and could see their spiritual being?
  • What if I could love their soul and we could just simply love each other in pure acceptance? 
  • Isn’t that what we all want anyway?

If you do this tapping sequence every day at least once you will change the beliefs that you have about yourself thus enabling you to  have the relationship you deserve and desire.

EMDR is effective for healing pain from a breakup.

IS EMDR BETTER THAN TALK THERAPY?


In a bid to zap her inner demons and reset her brain, Alix Strauss decided to try a radical form of treatment: EMDR therapy.

This article displays a youthful account of a persons attempt to get over a breakup by using EMDR.

Her therapist utilized EMDR therapy to help release the pain of the breakup and free herself from the negative feelings associated with it.
The biggest difference between EMDR and conventional talk therapy is that:
With EMDR you don’t have to examine the cause of problems in depth—like if you habitually date the wrong people.

March 16, 2012

BETTER THAN THERAPY?


In a bid to zap her inner demons and reset her brain, Alix Strauss decided to try a radical form of treatment: EMDR therapy.

By ALIX STRAUSS

I’m in the Hamptons doing a book signing, when my ex—who I had a horrific breakup with and who I haven’t seen in more than two years—appears in front of me. He doesn’t want an autograph, and I know he already owns my novel; he is clearly here to see me. But as soon as our eyes meet, he loses his nerve and leaves. Instead of going numb as I usually do in traumatic situations, I feel calm and matter-of-fact—in control. A year ago, I would have been a heartbroken basket case, obsessively reviewing in my head other ways the encounter might have gone.When we broke up, I found myself fixating on painful memories of our relationship and unable to move forward with my life. I tried every conventional remedy you can think of: talk therapy (which I’d been doing weekly for three years at that point), endless spewing to friends, allotting crying time each day, burning his photos, and even going on an array of blind dates. Nothing worked. I remained weepy and depressed, stuck in the past.Finally, my therapist suggested that I try a form of psychotherapy called EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. A bilateral stimulation therapy designed to unlock negative memories, feelings, and emotions, EMDR is a controversial technique involving lights, sounds, and tapping that purportedly helps the brain process traumatic experiences. This sounded like mumbo jumbo to me but I was desperate. I would have stripped naked and run down Fifth Avenue if you had told me it would help.

A few weeks later, I found myself sitting on a beige carpet in an Upper East Side office, leaning against a couch, with the lights dimmed. I had headphones on, a Walkman-like device in my lap. In front of me stood a two-and-a-half-foot-long eye scanner on a tiny tripod. Mini green lights blinked and moved rhythmically from left to right, working in tandem with the tapping sound that came through the headphones. Rosemary Masters, my EMDR therapist, is founding director of the Trauma Studies Center of the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy in New York. A reserved, kind woman who looks like she stepped out of an L.L.Bean catalogue, Rosemary began our session by asking me to recall a specifically distressing memory. I chose the moment when I received a voice mail from my ex’s paramour. The woman’s voice, with its crisp British accent, sounded merciless: “Your relationship is doomed and dysfunctional because he’s been intimate with me behind your back.” I visualized the pathetic conversation that my ex and I’d had afterward in my apartment as he lied about the situation, insisting she’d made it all up. As I sat in the office, I once again felt my heart pound, felt the pain and resentment well up inside. Rosemary’s voice hung in the air as I tried to answer her questions: What do you see? How would you rate your level of anxiety? What are you feeling?

I followed the lights. I listened to the tones. I answered her questions. I told her my level was a 4 or 5 out of 10. To my surprise, tears rolled down my cheeks. But as I tapped into raw emotions, I felt oddly calm and clinical—I was very aware that this was therapy, not a meltdown. When she asked how I felt, the words that came out were: It’s too much loss. I hurt all the time.

EMDR was developed by California psychologist Francine Shapiro, who, while walking in a park one day in 1987, noted that eye movements appeared to reduce anxiety and the intensity of disturbing thoughts. During the past two decades, this therapy has become extremely popular among those who suffer from anxiety attacks, physical abuse, and post-traumatic stress. I think of it this way: If talk therapy is a cross-country road trip, then EMDR is a crosstown bus ride. Some refer to it as “shortcut therapy,” since positive results can happen within three to eight sessions. Those working on single trauma issues can be helped within three sessions.

The biggest difference between EMDR and conventional talk therapy is that, during EMDR you don’t have to examine the cause of problems in depth—like if you habitually date the wrong people. Instead you focus on allowing your brain to release a specific event that you’re fixated on. New York’s high-octane pace makes it a logical choice. We all want impressive results in little time. To me, EMDR is like an in-office face-lift for your brain without hospitalization. Today, more than 70,000 clinicians are specially trained and certified in the treatment, and millions of people claim to have been fixed from it.

“EMDR is about adaptive integration,” Rosemary explains. “The lights, tones, and tapping stimulate the information-processing system of the brain in a similar way to REM sleep, where the brain extracts what’s important and useful and lets go of the rest.” Like other EMDR specialists, she looks for shifts where the patient’s feelings of worthlessness or dejection are replaced by positive thoughts. In my case, the mantra I often uttered, “I’ll never get over this,” was eventually substituted by “I’ll move past this.”

After the session, I went home and literally could not keep my eyes open. My brain felt depleted. Eventually I surrendered to the druglike exhaustion and napped—something I never do. I shared this with Rosemary on my next visit. “Some people experience exhaustion,” she said. “Some have vivid dreams; others feel relief.”

Not everyone is a suitable candidate for the treatment. For those with an addiction or a physical condition like epilepsy, EMDR could revisit trauma that the brain may not be able to process without additional preparation. And there are those in the medical community who don’t buy into EMDR’s quick results. “It gives people temporary relief and helps them connect emotionally, but the effect isn’t lasting,” says Eric Braverman, a clinical assistant professor of integrative medicine at Weill Cornell Medical Center’s department of neurosurgery. “EMDR reminds me of the days when doctors used to give people cocaine for depression.”

I disagree. For someone like me, who was mentally and emotionally fixated on a single trauma, the effects have been radically and lastingly positive. Cheryl Brinker, who was part of the Red Cross’s September 11th Recovery Program team, had a similar experience. After Brinker saw several different specialists for her post-traumatic stress disorder, a therapist suggested EMDR in 2008. “It was like my brain was frozen, and all that would play was this loop of horrific images,” she says. After five sessions she felt healed. “My mind had started making new thought patterns, like ‘What am I having for dinner?’ The old images are still there, but they’re not traumatic anymore. They don’t prevent me from living my life.”

For me, the biggest shift happened after my fourth EMDR session. As I walked home, a floating, out-of-body sensation washed over me. For the next two days, I was exhausted and napped for several hours each day. And then something happened. The next day, as I stood in the shower, I realized that I didn’t hurt as I had before. I can’t explain how or why, but it felt as if my brain had been rebalanced. As if a fever had broken.

These days, the memory and pain I associate with my breakup still seem far off. It’s an Alice in Wonderland sensation—like I swallowed a magic pill without knowing what it was or how it would affect me. I’m afraid to ask what the ingredients were because I don’t want to inspect the potion too closely. I just know I feel better. Fixed. And the past feels far away, where it should stay.

Credit: EMDR Psychotherapy – Alternative Trauma Therapy – Harper’s BAZAAR

With EMDR it is possible to get Relief from longing for the person who has left.


This process of desensitizing the desire releases a person from the past and gives them an immediate feeling of relief.