Manipulative People,Abusive Relationships, Addicitve Relationships, Blog, Controlling Relationships with a BPD partner, Emotionally Controlling or Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Red Flags to Spot Manipulative People

Identify Manipulative people

If you want to identify manipulative people to avoid in relationships you must look at YOUR  own behavior and intuitive feelings.  This list is very complete…ENJOY!

To help you focus on what situations you have been attracting into your life, it is useful to go through this list and circle the ones you can recognize from your life. Most people specialize in 4 or 5 of these Red Flag Scenarios.  When you  have your list be sure to see if anyone in your life now fits into these categories.

Much of attraction is unconscious and you must focus on these qualities consciously in order to be aware of them.

marital affairs infidelity,extra marital affairs, affairs, couples, los angeles

What is the main reason married men have extra marital affairs…it may surprise you

While extra marital affairs do involve sex, research shows that sexual drive is not the main reason married men have affairs. You may be surprised what research shows.  
See article

borderline personality, borderline personality disorder, relationship, personality disorder, emotional abuse

Borderline Personality Relationships-are you in one?

Borderline Personality Relationships

Are you in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Have you had intense passion and intimate feelings for a person with high highs and low lows?

Does this sound familiar: obsessing about him/her, yet no matter what you do, you can’t seem please the person?

If this applies to you, read further to see if you are in a relationship with a “Borderline Personality.”

– Your partner swings from extremes like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

– one moment passionately loving you in a way that makes you feel very special and in the next moment attacking you, threatening you and even raging violently.

– Being blamed and criticized for everything wrong in the relationship to the point that you are afraid to reveal what you really think or feel. You feel like you are in a double bind: you’re dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. If you ask for anything you are told your needs are wrong or not important.

– Feeling that if you want to keep the relationship you have to deny what you feel to the point that you have become confused about what you really feel. You feel like you’re loosing your grip on reality.  Just when you decide you  have had enough the Borderline will throw in some caring behavior to throw you off balance and keep you confused.

– When you try to leave the relationship the other person makes declarations of love and devotion or makes threats to you like “no one but me will ever love you.” Emotional abuse victims can be convinced that no one else could want them and they stay in abusive situations because they believe that if they leave they will just be alone forever.

– The abusing person seems to have an uncanny ability to know what you’re thinking and can see into you with such amazing accuracy that you feel special in some way when you are with them much of the time. Longing for these loving moments when you feel seen keep you in the relationship.

-Emotional abuse can be more damaging than psysical abuse because the insults, criticism and accusations chip away at the person’s self esteem and their very core until they blame themselves for the abuse and sometimes even cling to the abuser. Often the abuser in this type of relationship has Borderline Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Traits.

Help is available

If you know anyone who is in a relationship like this please show them this article and let them know that they need help. Both people in an abusive relationship need help.  I work with couples in abusive relationships to show them what can be done to create a good relationship.  I also can give the person with BPD a referral to a therapist who is skilled in working with this issue.  Anyone who is truly committed to doing what it takes to change can change these destructive behaviors and learn how to have a good relationship.

empty nest syndrome, nest syndrome, empty nest right now

Empty Nest Syndrome and Depression

Empty Nest Syndrome Is More Common Today

Empty nest syndrome is a time when children leave the home and couples are particularly vulnerable to marital problems and divorce at this time. The structure that has held the family together is now compromised or gone. This is like a bridge that develops cracks and becomes unstable and eventually collapses.

Depression is part of Empty Nest Syndrome

The family system can also collapse if the cracks in the bridge (structure) are not repaired and rebuilt.

This is not a surprising consequence when more and more in the last 10 or 12 years couples are focusing all their energy on the children’s activities to the detriment of their own couple relationship.

This causes resentment and resentment erodes the good feelings in the marriage.

Empty Nest Syndrome

I encourage couples going through empty nest syndrome to get couples coaching or therapy at the first sign of feeling resentment toward their partner to repair the imtimacy in the relationship. If this is caught in time before it gets too far along the intimacy can be reignited, otherwise this situation becomes a breeding ground for affairs and divorce.

There is hope for a good outcome in spite of these changes.  You can create a dynamic relationship Right Now! 

This is the time to explore what you want your relationship and your life to be right now.  With honesty, soul searching and good communication you can create a fulfilling relationship full of connection and intimacy.

outsmart holiday depression

6 easy ways to outsmart holiday depression

Thanksgiving is  upon us again and therefore Thanksgiving Depression which is part of holiday depression.

For most of us, the holidays are not as joyful as they are touted to be.  There are many reasons for this.  Many people compare the holiday today to happier ones in the past.  Comparisons are not useful because things are always changing. We need to be in the present to enjoy life.

Many people are alone or have lost loved ones with whom they previously enjoyed the holidays.

If you are feeling sad in this holiday season there is hope to change this if you will do a few simple preventative actions before the holidays are upon us.

  • PLAN AHEAD  Instead of just letting the holiday happen to you plan ahead some things that you will enjoy doing on the holiday.  It may be getting outside, seeing a movie, having a great meal, going for a long walk.  Plan something with a group of people like going to a meet up.  You can find these through meet and they literally have a meet up on everything from going to the movies, to learning to cook Italian to walking on the beach.  People at meet ups are usually very friendly because they too are looking to meet new friends.
  • MONITOR YOUR THOUGHTS You can learn to manage your mood by monitoring your thoughts.  Hers’s how to do that.  Ask your observing mind to remind you each time you think a limiting thought .  A limiting thought says ” I can’t have that or do that because…….  These limiting thoughts are distorted so we need to bust them as they come happen.  So catch these thoughts and say to that thought, “I know that you’re real(meaning they have a real effect on the body) but you’re not true.  Instead of trying to argue with these limiting thoughts just watch them go bye in your mind, saying to yourself There is a worry going bye.”  “There is a fear going bye” and just let them pass as clouds pass across the sky.  You will see that you can separate from this if you practice this.
  • EXERCISE  Exercise raises your mood so plan to spend 30 minutes to an hour a day during the holidays exercising.  Doing it outside will boost your mood even more.  Health experts say we should spend at least an hour a day outside to be healthy.  Plan a specific type of exercise at a specific time for yourself (first thing in the morning is best).  This will give you a feeling of accomplishment as well as an energy boost. Also Zumba and Laughing Yoga are excellent mood raisers.
  • BE GRATEFUL  By setting the intention every morning when you wake up to find one NEW thing during the day to be grateful for.  This helps your mind look for the good things in your day.  At night write down what the thing you are grateful for.  This trains your mind to be on the outlook for good things.  Also   after a few weeks of this you will have to be creative finding new things to appreciate.  This will enhance your awareness as well as your happiness.
  • PLAN SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO  If you have a trip or event ( maybe even seeing a movie you have wanted to see) to look forward to this can keep your mood up during any sad times during the holidays.
  • GIVE BACK Look for a way to give to people less fortunate than you.  Start with the internet and do research on this and you will find a way to give back.  It could be at a church, school or retirement home.  Be creative and see what you can come up with.
Solution Focused Therapy,brief therapy,couples therapy, Life Coach,Life Coach Los Angeles,short term therapy,solution focused couples therapy,solution focused therapy

Solution Focused Therapy, the fast track to change

Solution Focused Therapy Techniques

Solution Focused Therapy was developed in a therapy setting and widely used for therapy since the 1980’s.

In the last decade it has become popular for coaching, so we now have solution focused coaching .

It is unlike many traditional therapies in that it focuses purely on the desired situation or goal.

People and especially therapists have been trained to look for the problem and to analyze it to bring about a change or the desired goal.

Solution Focused Therapy Techniques

Solution Focused therapy will not allow much discussion of the problem and only looks at what will be happening when the desired situation is already happening (the goal) and what will the client be doing to bring about these changes.  Once the client can see or visualize clearly the desired situation, the therapist then asks the client,”what small step will you take this week to achieve this goal.  The client always knows what is needed to achieve the goal, but maybe not in a conscious way.  The solution focused therapist helps to draw out this information from a position of being a half step behind the client.  The client always has the “knowing” but needs the therapist to focus him on  the desired state or condition and break it down into small doable goals.  The client then commits to a goal (tiny step) that he will accomplish by the next session.

This works to get results, or the desired change because we tend to create more of what we focus on. As explained in the law of attraction writings, our state of mind and focus draw to us that which we are dwelling upon. This causes viscious cycles of downward spirals which keep people feeling stuck and helpless, focusing on and analyzing their problems.

This focus on problems is particularly harmful with couples because couples typically come into therapy focusing on what’s wrong with the other person.  In fact, the main motivation for couples coming into therapy is probably to try to get the other person to change.  Focusing on changing the partner causes power struggles and the partner often will dig in his heels and become even more intent on not changing, because after all he is” right”.

One of the principles of Solution Focused therapy is that change is always happening. In solution focused therapy we direct the client to look at when things are better and exceptions to the problem.  Clients are usually surprised when asked to focus on what’s working, that there are actually times when the problem is not present.  By looking at the problem free times the client can start to become aware of what he/she is doing differently.  Once they are looking for these behaviors in themselves, the very act of looking for those times causes the mind to focus on and strengthen the positive aspects.

Want to Make a Positive Change Now?

Try this strategy out for yourself.

  1. Think of a problem that you want to eliminate
  2. Focus on the success you want instead.  Ask yourself, “What do I want instead of the problem?  How will I know I have this and what will be different? What will I be doing different when I have achieved this success?”
  3. Look for what is a situation where success has already happened in the past.  What caused this success ?  What were you doing differently?  How were you able to do that?”
  4. What is one thing you did to cause this success in the past that you could carry forward and do again now? Commit to taking one small step this week and see what happens.
CBT,Mindfulness, EFT

CBT / Mindfulness

CBT / Mindfulness

The practice of Mindfulness: Can teach them to interrupt heir automatic precesses that are occurring and alter their response to become more of a reflection.

Do you think it is possible to change our brain from the inside? Is it possible that thought can rewire the brain? These are the questions that the Dalai Lama asked scientists a decade ago. He wanted to see how meditation affects the brain.

To find out, the Dali Lama lent his monks and Lamas to a study at the the neuroscience lab at the University of Wisconsin where 2 group of meditators were brain monitored and measured; one group of novice meditators and one group of very experienced meditators(monks). They were all meditating on compassion and loving kindness toward all human beings.

The findings were that both groups had positive changes in the brain, but the experienced meditators had much more dramatic brain changes. The greatest area that was activated and altered was the right insula and caudate, a network which underlies empathy and maternal love. The conclusion wa that mental training makes it easier for the brain to turn on circuits that hold compassion and empathy.

Now scientists are learning more about the neuroplasticity and how it relates to Mindfulness.

Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to change its structure and function in response to experience. There is now scientific proof of the effects of Mindfulness.

There has been a explosion in the popularity of mindfulness.

I teach various Mindfulness techniques which with practice can create a more centered and satisfying life through.

PTSD Situation,PTSD,suicide,situations

New help for PTSD sufferers

A new research study shows that low does of the active ingredient in magic mushrooms repairs brain damage caused by trauma, giving new hope for PTSD sufferers.  In this study mice actually lost their fear and the fear response associated with it .

New help for PTSD sufferers:PTSD Situation

The PTSD situation is so bad that 18 American veterans commit suicide every day.  The suicide rate for veterans is higher that the number of veterans that were killed in combat in the last 5 years.


anxiety,Anxiety, EFT Tapping, EFT Therapy, Emotional Freedom Technique

Stop your anxiety in 3 minutes

Relieve stress with this 3 MINUTE BREATHING EXERCISE

When you feel stressed or a low mood coming…this 3 minute breathing exercise will change your state and give you peace.

1. Sitting in a comfortable chair close your eyes.  Just watch your thoughts, feelings and sensations going by from 1 moment to the next, in your mind for 1 minute.

2. Let go of your mind and move your awareness to only focus on your breath in your stomach as the stomach rises with the inhale and falls with the exhale for 1 minute.

3. Expand your awareness so that you feel complete body as a whole, from the top of your head to the soles of the feet for 1 minute.

You will see how you will feel very different after you do this for 3 minutes.

This is effective in changing your mood and feelings through MINDFULNESS, which uses the process of befriending your feelings- not requiring anything to change, but simply encountering what is without the intention of resolving anything.

divorce process

If couples entered the divorce process remembering the qualities that drew them to their spouse in the beginning, the divorce would go much more smoothly.

It ‘s normal for people to change over time.  The best divorces happen beause people accept this fact. Instead of reacting to the initial feelings that people often have to divorce, I help people to see what they have evolved into and what the marriage has evolved into. Those are often very different things. With clarity that comes from talking with your spouse about the expectations you had for the marriage originally and what actually happened couples often can come up with a feeling or relief about the divorce instead of anger, fear, and loss.

Sure there is loss associated with divorce; loss of a life style, financial loss, even the loss of identity, but there is also the opportunity to embrace and develop the person you have become in the process.

It is my job to help women reclaim their identity and create their path to expressing who they are based on who they are today, and not who they were many years ago when they got married. I’m offering for a limited time only the opportunity for any woman in this situation the opportunity for a free coaching session. Just call or emal and put “Divorce” in the subject line of the email.