Making your New Years Resolutions actually stick — 3 little known tips!

relationship, Couples Therapy, Life Coach, marriage counseling, Relation Therapy, Relationship Therapy

Do people really expect New Years Resolutions to stick anymore?  Most of us probably have given up on the whole idea because it has fizzled so many times in the past.  Do you think that real change is just too difficult to attempt?

Maybe the reason that most resolutions  fail is because we have been given wrong information on how change happens.

Coaching people for 15 years I have seen some tips used which actually helped my clients keep their resolutions.

These are surprising because they are counter intuitive.  They can also be applied to any changes you would like to make.

 

1.)  Commit to a direction and not a specific thing.

Most advice tells you to be very specific and detailed writing your resolutions. The reason for a direction is that unless you are clairvoyant, you don’t actually have any idea whats going to happen in the future.

Try this experiment:

Think of a time you expected your future to look exactly like ______________? Go ahead and fill in the blank. So I ask you, “Did it turn out like you pictured it?”

So with a direction you allow for the creative wisdom of the universe to bring you amazing, wonderful events, people and situations that you could not even imagine in your wildest dreams.

2). Create your emotional state before you do anything.

 Create your emotional state before you do anything. I am a firm believer in the principles of NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming). One of the main concepts of NLP is that “Everything comes from state” (feeling  states). What that means is that whatever state you are in determines how you are going to do whatever you do.

This means that if you get yourself in a state of abundance and gratitude for your abundance(whatever that is at the moment) you will pull situations to you that contain all kinds of abundance, when you least expect it.
We all have so many blessings and focusing on them will bring more of the same.

More recent research in the field of science, especially epigenetics has validated further how important our emotional states are on our health and behavior.

 We now know from the  new field of epigenetics  that our feeling states actually influence how our cells behave.  Dr Bruce Lipton, a cellular biologist who taught at  the University of Michigan Medical School  and conducted pioneering studies with stem cells  at Stanford University wrote  The Biology of Belief.   In this book and in his videos in he explains the science of Epigenetics.  Epigenetics  explains how our thoughts, feelings and beliefs  and our very environment control our biology. This  affects  both our emotional and physical well being.

 

Dr Lipton explains epigenetics  in this  4 minute video 

Because your state is so vitally important to your level of manifestation and success and happiness I suggest to my coaching clients that they spend the first 6 minutes that they are awake doing specific things to get themselves in a resourceful state. ( This is the most powerful time of the day because the veil between the conscious and unconscious mind is very thin at this time).

And you may be wondering how anything significant can happen that fast. Believe me if you know how to do it, it does happen that fast.

And don’t take my word for it- try it yourself. I promise you that if you commit to doing this for 2 weeks, with the understanding that you will evaluate it in 2 weeks to see whether you want to keep it or not, you will be pleasantly surprised at the new things that come into your life.

The best part of doing this is that it brings surprising things into your life. This gives you a new sense of vitality! Try it and you’ll see…

3) Tap daily to create your most resourceful emotional state and remove fear.

 As you have probably surmised by now, I believe in the law of attraction. So my last tip is to tap every time you are overcome with the harmful emotions of fear, shame, humiliation, anger, worry and resentment.

These feelings will just bring you more of the same unwanted emotions so lets get rid of them as soon aw we are aware of them.

There’s a process to tap which releases emotions that are unwanted . The process is called EFT tapping or Emotional Freedom Techniques.

I teach this to all my clients because it is so helpful. And I use it myself every day.

In the EFT community we call it creating good feelings for no reason, because there are always good feelings lying just underneath these painful ones. Most people don’t realize that or they would tap more often!

If you would like to know more about this, contact me on this page of my website.https://www.susanquinn.net/free-coaching-session/

Relationship Skillsn

Relationships are all about building trust.

In his research, Dr. Gottman observed that happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions. In a newlywed study, newlyweds who were still married six years after their wedding had turned towards each other 86% of the time while in the lab. Those who were divorced six years later, however, had only turned towards each other 33% of the time.

Every time you turn towards your partner’s bids for emotional connection, you are making a deposit in what Dr. Gottman calls your Emotional Bank Account. You add value to your account when you create and build on positive moments between yourself and your partner. These little moments add up, reminding the two of you of the feelings you have for one another, and of your commitment to supporting each other through all of the experiences you share. If you find yourself lost amid the everyday stresses of life, your investment in an Emotional Bank Account drastically diminishes the probability that these stresses will climax in some kind of catastrophic fight.

By keeping Dr. Gottman’s tips about bidding in mind, you and your partner can feel that you are in control and dramatically increase the stability of your relationship. Dr. Gottman describes positive responses to bids as “turning towards” your partner: being mindful, aware, and responsive to the small interactions that the two of you have. When we bid for our partner’s attention, affection, or support, their response generates a critical outcome. As we become used to receiving a pattern of acceptance or rejection of our bids, our feelings towards our partner are an enormous determinant of the success or failure of the relationship! To begin with, we ought to ask a question: What does accepting bids tell the bidder? Here is Dr. Gottman’s answer:

When you “turn towards” bids, the bidder hears:

  • I’m interested in you.
  • I hear you.
  • I understand you (or would like to).
  • I’m on your side.
  • I’d like to help you (whether I can or not).
  • I’d like to be with you (whether I can or not).
  • I accept you (even if I don’t accept all your behavior).

In our next few blog entries, we will offer you some of his research-based methods for improving your ability to receive bids in ways that strengthen the trust in your relationship! For now, practice the skills we taught you in our most recent blog posts on Dr. Gottman’s Four Steps of Emotional Attunement & Intimate Conversation with your partner, and start feeling the trust you share grow. If you’ve found our discussions of trust helpful, look forward to the release of Dr. Gottman’s new book What Makes Love Last?.

Trauma therapy is best done using somatic therapies

 trauma therapy

Trauma therapy is different than” talk therapy”

Trauma Therapy seems to be most effective when Mind-body therapies( or somatic therapies) are used  because they influence the area of the brain where fear is held, the amygdala.

Some of the Trauma Therapies are somatic therapies are EMDR, Emotional Freedom Techniques or EFT, Somatic Experiencing or SE.

Here is a presentation I did at Sovereign Healthcare in Culver City titled Somatic Therapy Techniques to Relieve Anxiety and the Effects of Trauma.  This is a long video but what it says is that the really effective therapies to treat trauma use this back and forth motion or pendulation ( as it is called in Somatic experiencing) while focusing on the body as a common theme.

Even though we don’t know exactly why EMDR works so well to desensitize trauma, we believe that the back and forth motion and juxtaposition of negative vs positive feelings , memories and sensations is  part of what causes the shift in how a person perceives a memory.

In FasterEFT which is a newer form of Emotional Freedom Techniques, Robert G. Smith  explains how alternating the “bad trance” and then the “good trance” cause the emotion around it to “collapse”.  It uses a cadence to do this

I have  developed this idea into another way to use these principles.  From a session I had with a client where we walked on the beach I noticed this same release of tension and painful emotions happening before we even talked about them.  She told me that as we were walking her emotions started to lift and she felt so much relief from the burden she had been feeling for the last week.

I realized that walking is this same back-and-forth movement and then there was the back-and- forth movement of the waves as we walked at the water’s edge were very therapeutic.  I’m going to incorporate more of this into my practice.

Not to mention that I love being at the beach anyway:)

 

Fear of Rejection

Rejection Fear -How your Beliefs Sabotage your Relationships.

Rejection Fear will sabotage your relationships.


Fear of rejection is a big obstacle to creating a lasting relationship.

Rejection Fear comes from past hurts of being rejected. I’ve seen people carry around rejection fears from seeing other people rejected, so it doesn’t even have to happen to you to affect you deeply.

Until you release this pain or fear that got imprinted into your subconscious mind from past experiences you believe that you will be rejected. What you believe is what you will create. You will always choose people to reject you…In fact if they don’t reject you , will find a way to reject yourself…You’ll come up with something like ,” You don’t really love me, you just love what I do for you”.

Our deeply held beliefs drive all of our behaviors. Many of our beliefs are unconscious and the only way we can identify them is by looking at our behaviors. Strong feelings hold these beliefs in place.

We can change this by going to the memories behind our unwanted actions and then changing the feelings behind them. With the feelings changed the “drivers” are gone and we can imprint new experiences that we’d rather have in their place.

This powerful process for change is called FasterEFT. It is a relatively new process which I find to be really amazing in the results it gets.

EMDR for depression, therapy, eye movement desensitization, EFT, EMDR in Los Angeles

EMDR news

EMDR was originally created for PTSD , Trauma and anxiety.  It is now used to treat depression.  This research study shoes the results of using EMDR( Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy  for depression in an inpatient setting.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4467776/

16 patients who were hospitalized for depression were treated with  EMDR and compared to a control group with the same diagnosis and degree of depression who were not treated with this.  The results showed that 68% of the EMDR group showed full remission at the end of treatment.

I use Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy to treat depression because memories that are traumatic or even just negative form the basis for your self esteem.  For example memories of being slighted, neglected, or criticized form references in the mind which create self fulfilling prophesies.  If we feel unworthy of a partner or a job that we want we will create not getting that.

To change your self concept you have to go in and change your perceptions of these memories. EMDR and EFT are excellent ways of doing that.

 

Manipulative People,Abusive Relationships, Addicitve Relationships, Blog, Controlling Relationships with a BPD partner, Emotionally Controlling or Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Red Flags to Spot Manipulative People

Identify Manipulative people


If you want to identify manipulative people to avoid in relationships you must look at YOUR  own behavior and intuitive feelings.  This list is very complete…ENJOY!

To help you focus on what situations you have been attracting into your life, it is useful to go through this list and circle the ones you can recognize from your life. Most people specialize in 4 or 5 of these Red Flag Scenarios.  When you  have your list be sure to see if anyone in your life now fits into these categories.

Much of attraction is unconscious and you must focus on these qualities consciously in order to be aware of them.

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borderline personality, borderline personality disorder, relationship, personality disorder, emotional abuse

Borderline Personality Relationships-are you in one?

Borderline Personality Relationships


Are you in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Have you had intense passion and intimate feelings for a person with high highs and low lows?

Does this sound familiar: obsessing about him/her, yet no matter what you do, you can’t seem please the person?

If this applies to you, read further to see if you are in a relationship with a “Borderline Personality.”

– Your partner swings from extremes like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

– one moment passionately loving you in a way that makes you feel very special and in the next moment attacking you, threatening you and even raging violently.

– Being blamed and criticized for everything wrong in the relationship to the point that you are afraid to reveal what you really think or feel. You feel like you are in a double bind: you’re dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. If you ask for anything you are told your needs are wrong or not important.

– Feeling that if you want to keep the relationship you have to deny what you feel to the point that you have become confused about what you really feel. You feel like you’re loosing your grip on reality.  Just when you decide you  have had enough the Borderline will throw in some caring behavior to throw you off balance and keep you confused.

– When you try to leave the relationship the other person makes declarations of love and devotion or makes threats to you like “no one but me will ever love you.” Emotional abuse victims can be convinced that no one else could want them and they stay in abusive situations because they believe that if they leave they will just be alone forever.

– The abusing person seems to have an uncanny ability to know what you’re thinking and can see into you with such amazing accuracy that you feel special in some way when you are with them much of the time. Longing for these loving moments when you feel seen keep you in the relationship.

-Emotional abuse can be more damaging than psysical abuse because the insults, criticism and accusations chip away at the person’s self esteem and their very core until they blame themselves for the abuse and sometimes even cling to the abuser. Often the abuser in this type of relationship has Borderline Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Traits.

Help is available


If you know anyone who is in a relationship like this please show them this article and let them know that they need help. Both people in an abusive relationship need help.  I work with couples in abusive relationships to show them what can be done to create a good relationship.  I also can give the person with BPD a referral to a therapist who is skilled in working with this issue.  Anyone who is truly committed to doing what it takes to change can change these destructive behaviors and learn how to have a good relationship.

EFT, intimate relationships, Impossible Relationships

Break Free From Impossible Relationships with EFT

The 2 most common blocks to having the relationships you want and how to eliminate them using EFT (Emotional  Freedom Techniques).

The most common block to creating intimate relationships is one that we all feel at some time in our lives…

…the belief that we are not good enough to create intimate relationships we want or that we are not lovable enough to have someone of our choosing to love us. This can be healed by working with each limiting belief that we have acquired from painful experiences from childhood. I will explain how to do this in the next section when I talk about removing the emotional pull of impossible attractions.

The other thing that causes us to miss out on having a fulfilling relationship is that we are compelled to choose people who will bring us pain rather than pleasure.  And you may be wondering why we would do that.  It is an unconscious choice we make.  We form an image in our mind in childhood of our ideal partner based on the good and bad traits of a parent.  For example if you had a parent who was critical of you and no matter how hard you tried to please them they withheld love and approval from you, you may be attracted to partners who are critical of you and can’t really see your good traits.

Here’s an Exercise to find a negative trait from a parent that you were hutrt of affected by. Write down the most painful (to you) trait of one of your parents that had a strong emotional pull for you. It could be a critical and withholding parent, a violent or angry parent a parent who played the helpless victum role with you and you felt compelled to rescue that parent much of the time. If you spent much of your energy resuing and caretaking a parent who played a victim role, you will probably attract many victim types into your life. Playing the caretaking role can become very familiar and comfortable if you learned to play that role as a child.

Identify negative traits in your parents.

1. Identify the 1 or 2 negative traits that you suffered from the most with either parent.
2. Notice if your past partners had any of these traits. This can be very subtle but you will find these traits in people you have attracted into your life. I call these Impossible attractions.

To eliminate the pull of impossible attractions:

First Feel the pain of the wound from the rejection of a parent and use EFT to heal and release the old pain by tapping on the EFT meridians while simply feeling this old pain. Tapping on the pain moves the painful feelings through the body. Then use EFT with “inner child work” to give the wounded part the loving , compassion, and understanding it needed…repairing the original wound. When you release the pain and heal up the hole made by the original wound, you can stop attracting people who will re-injure that original wound, while hoping that they will meet those earlier needs that were un met.

Pain holds limiting beliefs about ourselves in place.

We want to learn to meet our own needs. The paradox here is that when we can heal our own pain and not depend on a partner to do it, we will have lots of partners who will want to do it for us. This type of self reliance is something people are very attracted to- it feels very free.

By using a tapping sequence for relationships you can lessen or remove your tendency to recreate the same impossible relationships, thud for releasing the blocks to finding  and allowing in love. This works in part because it addresses all the obstacles that are causing the problem. Only after we have acknowledged something, can we change it. After acknowledging the problem then this process taps the negative beliefs with their accompanying  feelings away.

remove emotional pain quickly, emotional pain quickly, remove emotional pain, EFT,Anxiety

Anxiety-EFT For Removing Painful Feeling

Emotional Freedom in Minutes


Listen or download a 5 minute EFT instruction for tapping away anxiety
FREE Audio Download

Remove emotional pain quickly with a technique you can do yourself in just minutes. With skilled guidance, you can not only remove emotional pain quickly, but also remove physical pain quickly.

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) is one of the  Energy Therapies for emotional release that Susan  uses at her Los Angeles office. It’s short-term therapy, with clients reporting almost instant improvement.

Since this removes feelings that have caused low self esteem and depression, it is a tool everyone can use on an everyday basis to help with low self esteem, relationship problems, depression, PTSD, fear and anxiety disorders, eating disorders or debilitating negative beliefs, controlling-anger issues and more.

EFT works great with children.

I teach EFT to families so that each one can use it when they need it-because I think it’s a wonderful tool for managing anxiety and other emotions. The most amazing thing about EFT is that clearing these fears removes scary and self-limiting beliefs that have been driving people their whole lives.

How to Do EFT


Emotional Freedom Therapy was developed by Gary Craig, who simplified Roger Callahan’s revolutionary Thought Field Therapy (TFT).

EFT works directly on the energy points (meridian system) of the body. Like acupressure, relief comes in part from stimulating the meridians. But instead of needles, the person’s meridians are tapped with the fingers. Whether EFT is performed by a therapist or self-applied, over 80% of people achieve either noticeable improvement or complete cessation of the problem.

These methods work by triggering sub-cortical activity below the level of conscious control (in the amygdala and hippocampus). The intensity of emotional responses are also reduced. A body of documented scientific studies prove the benefits of EFT are real.