same relationship over and over,single and looking, Women’s Issues

Do You Create the Same Relationship Over and Over With Different People? Here’s How to Change This!

Do You Create the Same Relationship Over and Over With Different People

I posted a new article on DailyStrength.org showing how to eliminate the core issues that cause us to recreate the same problems with each relationship. One way to unhook from old patterns that damage relationships is to use EFT(emotional Freedom Techniques)

http://www.dailystrength.org/health_blogs/susan-quinn/article/are-you-recreating-the-same-relationship-over-and-over-again-same-problem-different-guy-the-answer-is-to-heal-your-childhood-wounds

Failure to launch, Family Therapy

Failure to Launch : When adult children live at home- what can be done?

Failure to Launch

Failure to Launch

Many adult children are coming back home to live with their parents after college. Some do this on a temporary to set up their their next job or internship.  Some, however fall into a comfort zone and loose their focus on their future. Beginning in the 20’s a child needs to thing about the future and strategies on what path to take for the rest of his life.  Having a concept of the future is an important part of development as is taking risks.  The failure to do this leads to low self esteem and sometimes depression.  The longer it lasts the more hopeless your child may start to feel. What can parents to to help their adult child to launch ?

  • Make some rules and requirements of your adult child, such as paying rent, having a job, contributing to a savings account, working out, helping with home duties.
  • Help your adult child to resolve any emotional issues they may have.  Psychotherpy that is goal oriented is often helpful.
  • Forbid drugs and alcohol use while they are living with you.  These things lower motivation and self esteem.
  • Setting up structure with small achievable goals leads to feelings of mastery which naturally leads to more confidence in taking on new tasks and jobs

Above all, don’t feel guilty for making demands on your child because this will help him feel like he can succeed. focus

Stress relief Los Angeles, anxiety disorder, feel anxious

The Causes of Anxiety Disorders and How They are Maintained

anxiety and depression

Stress causes tension and anxiety

Some of the childhood circumstances that may cause a person to develop Anxiety Disorders.

  • Parents are overly concerned with safety.  If parents are constantly over cautious and fearful about danger in everyday events this can cause a child to be afraid to explore and will view the world as dangerous.
  • Excessive criticism from parents often makes a child feel insecure and dependent.  If the child feels overly dependent on the parents approval and this approval is withheld this sets up an over reliance on a safe person and can later changes to a safe place this can lead to agoraphobia.
  • Parents discourage expression of feelings and assertiveness in asking for needs to be met. If a child is shamed or humiliated for the way he expresses himself or for getting angry he will often try to hold his feelings in which causes anxiety and depression.
  • Stress also  causes tension and anxiety.  When cumulative stress builds up,  people can start to have panic attacks.

Anxiety disorders are maintained by the following

  • Avoiding the situations that cause anxiety
  • Anxious self- talk
  • Negative and self limiting beliefs
  • Denying your feelings
  • Lack of assertiveness and expression

There are many ways to treat anxiety disorders including EMDR, cognitive therapy, cognitive rehearsal, hypnotherapy, exposure therapy, EFT, Imagery desensitization,  and systematic desensitization.

Relationships, Individual Therapy Services

Break Free From Impossible Relationships

We create impossible relationships by choosing people to meet our unmet needs from childhood. This sets up a vicious cycle of anticipation but then leads to disappointment. EFT is a way to remove the attractiveness of these impossible relationships so that we can choose relationships that are more likely to be successful.

To read my article about this EFT method, Break free from Impossible Relationships click here

EMDR Therapy, EMDR Technique

EMDR, A Powerful New Therapy for Relief From Trauma and Intrusive Memories

What Is EMDR Therapy?


EMDR is a powerful new therapy modality, and is becoming more widely used by therapists.

As more and more people have experienced its ability to help them change painful emotions and self-limiting beliefs, EMDR therapists and EMDR Clinics are using this therapy for people dealing with everyday challenges.

With this EMDR Psychotherapy modality, people are finding that they don’t need years of therapy.


EMDR

EMDR, or “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing” was first developed in the late 1980s. It originally was used in PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder) to desensitize memories and flashbacks from traumatic war experiences. People who had been in therapy for years with no success in desensitizing their Viet Nam war scenes, found relief with this type of therapy in a short amount of time. It then became widely used in disaster situations such as the Oklahoma City bombing of the Federal building where it was used with the surviving victims and their family members.

Not everyone has had major trauma in their past, but we all have had hurtful experiences growing up, as a part of life. These experiences cause us to develop certain beliefs about ourselves, and what we can accomplish and expect from life. As I use EMDR with clients, I find that many of the limiting beliefs a person has about themselves disappear, because they were based on these hurtful experiences of the past (formed by the child that existed then). Once the pain around these experiences is desensitized, they are free from the limiting cognition, or belief that they formed about themselves as a result of that belief. They now get a more realistic, and adult belief about the self, because the emotional charge which held the original, child view of the self, in place has been removed.

 Trauma and Intrusive Memories

What is the EMDR Technique?


So how did this new modality of psychotherapy come about? A psychologist in Northern California, Francine Shapiro,was walking in the park one day, thinking about something that was troubling her. She noticed at some point, that her eyes started moving spontaneously back and forth, and that this seemed to take the “disturbing quality away from the issue that was troubling her. She developed this further by working with war veterans and the astounding successes she had with them attracted much interest among psychological researchers.

Researchers believe that material which is too painful to be processed consciously is processed by the brain during REM sleep. What is thought to be happening with EMDR is that it is similar to REM (rapid eye movement) sleep processing, and that the eye movements move the material along, causing it to process through the brain/body, leaving the person free of the strong feelings that were originally attached to the trauma, opening a space for new perceptions about the reprocessed issue. It is also thought that the bilateral nature of the stimulation (across the midline of the brain) facilitates right brain-left brain communication.

These are the EMDR Tools used during psychotherapy:

There are about 40,000 licensed psychotherapists throughout the world who are trained in this procedure. Due to a wider public demand for this treatment, therapists are finding and developing more and more uses for this powerful therapy modality. I use it for self esteem enhancement, trauma resolution, anxiety, and depression, amd just about any issue people have, due to its effectiveness. I even use it to desensitize cravings for food and cigarettes.

In working with my clients, I find that it is essential to clear past hurts from the family of origin in order to have intimate, satisfying relationships with the people in their lives now. This process moves people along toward accomplishing their goal faster than anything that I have ever used. I take a developmental approach, clearing traumas from key past events and transition points in the clients life.

Here is an informational EMDR Video:

This is an EMDR video demonstration from the 20/20 TV show

EMDR Video

 

mindfulness meditation , self meditation

Mindfulness Meditation Changes your Brain Waves

Studies show mindfulness meditation increases compassion and peace


Do you think it is possible to change our brain from the inside? Is it possible that thought can rewire the brain? These are the questions that the Dalai Lama asked scientists a decade ago. He wanted to see how meditation affects the brain.

To find out, the Dali Lama lent his monks and Lamas to a study at the the neuroscience lab at the University of Wisconsin where 2 groupf of meditaors were brain monitored and measured; one group of novice meditators and one group of very experienced meditators(monks). They were all meditating on compassion and loving kindness toward all human beings.

Over time, the benefits of meditation causes cumulative effects.


The findings were that both groups had positive changes in the brain, but the experienced meditators had much more dramatic brain changes.  The greatest area that was activated and altered was the right insula and caudate, a network which underlies empathy and maternal love.

Meditation causes an increase in compassion.


The conclusion was that mental training makes it easier for the brain to turn on circuits that hold compassion and empathy.

Now scientists are learning more about neuroplasticity every day. Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to change its structure and function in response to experience.

relationship, Couples Therapy, Life Coach, marriage counseling, Relation Therapy, Relationship Therapy

Is your relationship feeling flat and unexciting? You must deal with resentments!

Most couples have resentments that they are not even aware of which destroy the intimacy in their  relationship.

In working with couples for 22 years in Los Angeles, I find that they become deadened to each other and the relationship over the years if they don’t put some effort into learning new skills.

Many couples come to me for marriage counseling wanting to put some passion and energy back into the relationship. They often say somethng like, “we have become like roommates, or ships passing in the night”.

This flatness in the relationship does not have to happen if the couple is willing to learn some new communication skills.

So what do couples need to learn to reignite the intimacy?


They need to learn how to give their partner attention, acknowledgement and affirmation. These are the things that couples often stop doing after they have been together for a while.

A new level of intimacy


I find that to get a couple back to a deeper level of connection I have to establish a strong base of support where each person agrees to be open to their own feelings and to those of their partner.  This leads the way to expressing vulnerability.  This takes some preparation but when a person can express vulnerability and have that accepted and acknowledged by the partner a new level of intimacy is introduced into the relationship.

Love Rewires,Life Coach Los Angeles, norman, Therapist Los Angeles

How Love Rewires The Brain

This article shows how love and novelty rewire the brain. To keep a relationship exciting, you must inject novelty. This novelty triggers the hormone dopamine which is the pleasure hormone. This article below shows how to do this.

How Love Rewires the Brain
(and Other Romantic Secrets of Brain Chemistry)

Norman Doidge, MD, PhD

There are several neurotransmitters that seem to be involved in novelty. Dopamine is often spoken of and aspects of norepinephrine are involved in novelty, too.

But basically, what happens in life is that if you keep doing the same thing of any kind, your dopamine chemistry is not being triggered.

Sometimes, when you hear people complaining about monogamy as being boring, it’s not that their mate is boring, it’s just that there’s a certain amount of routine involved in monogamous relationships or long-term, steady relationships.

It’s good to know about that and learn how to manipulate your dopamine to some degree. You should pay some attention to the fact that if you want to maintain a long-term relationship, you’re going to have to do certain things to inject some novelty into it.

People – and I am not inventing this – who are very good at love know how to do this. Part of the reason you might want to go on vacation is to be with your beloved in a totally new situation – a new place where you’re both doing a lot of learning. It’s turning on that dopamine chemistry that’s allowing you to discover new things in the beloved. Probably that is what a new suit and a new dress is about, too.

So, again, this is just part of knowing about the “Users’ Guide to the Brain” – just knowing about the art of life and that your brain evolved to learn.

It is not just for learning – it is for self-regulation, too. The brain has to be learning to feel fit. So you always have to be learning new things, and even within the context of a relationship, I think you have to be learning together to keep that relationship feeling really vital.

Putting Ideas into ActionJoan Borysenko, PhD
Bill O’Hanlon, MS, LMFT

Bill O’Hanlon: One of the challenges with long-term relationships is that they do get into ruts – and they say the difference between a rut and the grave is just the dimensions. Some relationships can get so boring that people want to leave or have an affair…just to get that dopamine hit again.I think Dr. Doidge is talking about the dark and light side of plasticity. The good news is that you don’t have to work on your relationship every day like you do when it’s new. It’s like driving to work every day – you don’t really have to think about it. That’s the good news about brain plasticity; you get really efficient at doing the day-to-day things you need to do.But we know relationships can be a challenge, so anything you can do to change it up is a good idea.There are two ways you can do this. One is to change the usual problems that you have. I remember years ago in a relationship of mine, my partner always complained that she felt responsible for doing everything about the house – noticing the repairs and doing them, calling the plumber, and calling the dentist for the kids… I was okay with that because, “I just don’t attend to that stuff.”But one day I thought to myself, “I’m so tired of hearing that complaint. I’m going to go around the house and list everything I can see. I’m really going to pay attention – because I usually don’t notice these things – and I’m going to get about five things done.” I’ll tell you, we didn’t have that argument for a year after that because I’d blown my stereotype!

So, here’s the question: What does your partner usually complain about that bothers him/her about what you do again and again? This is just one way of changing up the relationship.

There are three ways, or areas, which you can change. Change the viewing (and that, I think, connects to mindfulness). If you notice something new about your partner, it increases the satisfaction – your satisfaction and your partner’s satisfaction. “Wow, I never noticed that your hair goes like this…”

Change how you’re used to seeing someone. “That’s a different blouse you’re wearing today.” Or, “That’s interesting.” Or, “You got up at a different time.” Just view any change that they have made – really notice it rather than thinking, “Oh, that’s my partner, I know what they do, I know how they are.”

It’s all about changing the viewing, changing the doing, and changing the context. Dr. Doidge talks about going on vacation – but there are many ways of changing the context. You could rearrange the furniture in your house and that might change your interactions because you’ve been used to sitting in certain places – now, all of a sudden, this changes things.

Small changes just increase the interest and make a difference in the relationship so you don’t fall into those ruts.

Joan Borysenko: Dr. Doidge makes such an interesting point here about the need to continue to trigger high levels of dopamine because that gives us pleasure, keeps the relationship alive.

I’ll give you a personal example: I am not a cowboy boot kind of girl, but my husband loves cowboy boots and country dancing. So now, I have three pairs of cowboy boots. I know how to do the two-step and we go out from time to time for country dancing. That means I have an interest in something he has, but it’s still a novel thing we do together.

The question I would ask, first of all, is this: What are your partner’s hobbies? Is there something that, if you just give yourself over to it and try, that you could love and join him/her in doing?

The second suggestion would be this: Is there a hobby that, in fact, the two of you can take up together? That can add a tremendous amount of novelty and excitement to life. Also, it just takes you outside the bounds of your normal context.