1) Acknowledge your feelings of loss and allow yourself to feel upset.
2) Start making a list of all the things you have wanted to do in your life that you haven’t yet gotten to. Pick one of these to start this week.
3) Seek out friends who have been through this or can understand how you feel and talk with them about your feelings.
4) Keep a journal or spend 5 minutes meditating outside every morning. Remember the amount of time meditating is not important. It is the regularity and commitment that count so commit to 5 minutes when you first wake up. You’ll be surprised how much this will raise your spirits.
5) Seek professional help if you are feeling overwhelmed.
Remove Relationship Fears to Attract the Relationship You Deserve
Relationship Problems Answers
When to LeaveRelationships After a breakup or a divorce we feel more vulnerable in attracting a person with whom to have a relationship. I work with many women who feel that they are somehow flawed when a relationship ends. These feelings often keeps these women from trying to meet people or cause them to fail when they do. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques and it is a wonderful energy therapy that is simple and easy to learn. Its purpose is to move fear and other negative emotions through and out of the body.
In EFT we tell the body what feelings we want to reduce by acknowledging them and then deleting them. This is similar to the way we highlight and delete text on a computer. We acknowledge our feelings by using this formula, ” even though I have this (fear, sadness..etc.) I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” This sentence is repeated three times as we tap our hand on the Karate Chop point.
Step 1: Karate Chop Point and “Even Though” Statements
The Karate Chop point is below the little finger and it is along the side of the hand. Once you have found the Karate Chop point, start tapping at this point and repeat after me:
Even though I often feel unworthy of having a loving intimate relationship, I want to completely accept myself anyway.
Even though I feel unlovable, I completely accept myself now.
Even though, I don’t feel like anyone would stay with me if they really knew me, I want to deeply and completely accept myself now.
Step 2: Tapping Around the points on The Face to Reduce Negative Emotion and relationship fears
This step requires us to acknowledge negative feelings, thus as we tap we are must highlight these negative emotions.
Now tapping on the inside corner of the eyebrow “EB” and repeat after me: I don’t deserve to have someone I would want to be with.
Next find the outside corner of the eye “CE” and repeat after me: “A great person wouldn’t want me.”
Next find the area under the eye “UE” and repeat after me: ” I am only attractive to loosers.”
Next find the area under the nose “UN” and repeat after me: “I’m afraid if I meet someone good they will find out that I’m flawed.
Finally, find the collar bone “CB” and repeat after me : It’s pointless to even try because all the good ones are already taken anyway.”
Step 3: Acknowledgement of Positive Thoughts and Feelings
By now we have already acknowledge out negative feelings. Now we want to reduce and replace those thoughts with positive ones.
Start by finding the top of your head, “TH.” Ones you find it, repeat after me: What if a good person was able to really love me after all?
Under the arm “UA” (Take a moment to inhale deeply here): What if someone desirable was able to love me?
Next find the eyebrow, “EB” then repeat after me: what if that could really happen once or twice or even three times? (Keep tapping ) Is it possible?
What if they could like me with all my faults and negative traits?
What if they actually liked my negative traits? What if I actually enjoyed the things about them that they didn’t like ?
What if they found my negative traits delightful?
What if they accepted all my shortcomings and I accepted theirs as well.What if they wanted me even thought I have all these challenges?
What if they were accepting of their own problems and mine as well?
What if I could see beyond their frailties and challenges and they could see beyond mine as well?
What if I could accept their challenges and quirks and could see their spiritual being?
What if I could love their soul and we could just simply love each other in pure acceptance?
Isn’t that what we all want anyway?
If you do this tapping sequence every day at least once you will change the beliefs that you have about yourself thus enabling you to have the relationship you deserve and desire.
Since more than half of marriages are now ending in divorce, we have many blended families or step families today. The problem is that families don’t blend all that well. Children and teens have loyalties to the birth mother and often yearn to have their birth parents back together.
What comes out of this unsettling time when families are breaking up and getting” reconstructed” is that the children will “test” to see how far they can influence the family to get their way. This is understandable because they are really searching for stability, even though they don’t consciously realize it. The stability and predictability of what the rules are has been taken away from them. They need strong and enforced limits to feel safe again….that’s right…limits that are consistently enforced actually make everyone feel safe.
The cornerstone of a family is structure.
If you have a solid structure the family will work because each person knows what is expected of them and the consequences of “breaking the rules”. In order to find out if there really are consequences for breaking the rules the child will test the limits.
The most common way of testing in a blended family is to try to turn one “parent ” against the other. An example that I see working with blended families it where the daughter in a new blended family will try to turn the new woman ,a prospective stepmom ,against the father by telling her things about the father…. things like ” he won’t ever marry you” and things that will make the new woman feel insecure about the relationship.
This is called “triangling” in family therapy speak, where one person talks about another family member when they’re not present and tries to turn one against the other. So you may wonder, Why is this so damaging?
The answer is that by doing this the executive branch of the family ,( the father and stepmom or new woman) is being weakened by allowing a child to be pulled up into that position. Structural family therapy is built on the fact that the structure of a family , like a house, needs to have separate levels. The parents belong in the executive level at the top and the children belong below that level in the child level. Like a house, when you build a strong foundation, you will have a good house. The parental dyad being united in the executive position ensures this structure which makes everyone in the family feel safe because there is a position for the parents and for the children.
Even though we all test limits to see if they are real, we really yearn for them because they make up feel safe and show us where our position is so that we can win in the family. The best way to stop this attempt at “triangling” by a child is to have a hard and fast rule that says ” We don’ t talk abut the other person when they are not present. Just having the rule is not enough, it MUST be consistently followed. This will eliminate many of the conflicts in a blended family.
EMDR allows you to let go of those negative beliefs and negative feelings.
EMDR was originally developed in the 80’s and used extensively with PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). There are many studies showing its effectiveness with PTSD and because of its usefulness in processing fearful events it is now used to remove fears that cause people to hold limiting beliefs that keep them from having a fulfilled life.
When a scary or traumatic event occurs, it gets stuck in the nervous system with the initial impression, sounds, thoughts and feelings. This information can become twisted and can very much impact our feelings about these events.
The eye movement motion opens up the nervous system allowing the brain to re-integrate positive information. The process includes reprocessing of negative, distorted, self-thoughts associated with the trauma allowing positive beliefs about the self to emerge.
The repetitious eye movements stimulates visual nerve clusters to loosen distressing thoughts, which are frozen and stored in memory, and processes them to resolution. Providing side-to-side, bi-lateral stimulation to a person while discussing traumatic events or feelings of any kind in a specific therapeutic fashion.
EMDR works wonders in allowing a person to release the fear and other painful feelings.
Insight does not equal change. Whats leads to change, is removing the “fear response” from your body , that has kept you living in the past.
When feeling threatened, we react with the fight or flight or freeze response and our instincts take over. In this contemporary era, it is often very difficult to fight or flight a traumatic situation (i.e. such as leave an abusive marriage due to finances or children).
The immobility response or “freezing response” allows us to stay in a toxic situation enduring the tension and pain waiting for the right moment to get rid of the distress. Often, the freezing response becomes a permanent part of your personality and the original trauma never heals.
How EMDR Works.
EMDR is an 8 phase process. After an assessment is made and the client’s resources are strengthened then the desensitization can start.
There are two key ingredients of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing treatment. The first is called “bilateral stimulation” (EMDR) which simply means a back and forth stimulation which engages the left and right cerebral hemispheres. What this does is to cause the level of intensity of the feeling you are working with to come down from a 10 to a 0 or 1 ( on a scale of 1-10).
The other ingredient is the focusing back on the event after the feeling has gone down to a 0 intensity and this is when the person sees that he has a completely different belief about himself and the world.
After desensitizing and reprocessing the negative pattern EMDR helps to strengthen the new desired belief or feeling. Then it is used to reinforce new learnings that are now needed.
Release the Phantasy if You Expect to Ever Enjoy the Real Thing
I use the word “phantasy” with clients, to describe their made-up vision of what life would’ve been like if only… Their vision of that alternative reality isn’t simply a fiction or daydream. It’s a vivid and compelling image resonating deep within.
Secrets to Having a Successful Relationship
A person’s phantasy represents such a tangible desire, that nothing else satisfies their craving for precisely that. What they received instead pales by comparison. They’re often left in a never-satisfied state of longing for acknowledgement. In many cases it’s carried since early childhood – well into adulthood.
Quit Setting Yourself up for Disappointment
All of us feel a need to be loved in a way that feels “just right.” And what that means is totally unique for everyone. Moving beyond the insatiable hunger for affirmation from particular people permits focusing on more positive and realistic goals.
Improve your Self-Esteem
The need is indeed real. But it is not realistic. The harder we try to pull the desired response from another person, the more they resist. This sets us up for a continuous cycle of failure – which replays itself in a hundred little ways. The original problem grows despite our determined efforts to solve it.
A future article will be, “The Apparent Problem Isn’t the Problem.” Every “problem” results from our previous efforts to resolve it. An Insight that Unblocked the Impasse
Keys to a Good Relationship
My client, Linda, has spent her 34 years trying to get her mother to recognize her value. When her mother bitterly criticizes her (as she’s always done), Linda goes the spectrum, from pleading with her to see her value, to scolding her mother for being mean and critical. However, none brings the response she wants.
I told her about another client, (Kathy) who also struggled to get her mother’s approval. Kathy received a letter saying she’d passed the Psychology Licensing Exam. Kathy called her mother in the heat of her excitement. The response she got was devoid of interest, or the desired validation.
“Oh, that’s nice. I knew you would. I’m on the other line; I’ll call you back.” Her mother never called back, and didn’t mention her accomplishment when they next spoke.
As Linda listened, she said, “That’s good that her mother said, ‘I knew you would.'”
I demonstrated the mother’s flat tone.
Linda responded, “I see what you mean. We need to be acknowledged exactly how we want it. Even though this was good, (more than I’d get from my mom) it still didn’t provide what she wanted. What did Kathy want to hear?”
“That’s a good question. I asked her just that. Kathy told me, ‘I wanted to hear, I’m so proud of you, Kathy. You’re so smart, and you’ve worked so hard. You completely deserve this.'”
Linda’s face registered a deep understanding, “Wow, that’s so powerful!”
During her next session, Linda brought up the story again. “Even though Kathy’s mother wasn’t hateful, like mine, Kathy still needed to hear something specific from her mother. This keeps her continuously yearning, like me.”
Linda learned from Kathy’s story. Her comments revealed a shift in perception, which will change her behavior, little by little. She’s moving from her phantasy, toward more attainable goals that serve her better.
Developing Habits for Relationship Success
The work is to focus on your own authentic goals for YOURSELF. If the goals you set for yourself are in line with your core values, you’ll get motivation and inspiration from within. That feels completely awesome. Hitting Your Emotional Bulls Eye Follows Changing Your Expectations
My definition Emotional Maturity – Releasing that phantasy… that we’ll be loved exactly the way we want (need) to be loved.” An appropriate desire – yes. A realistic one – no. But relief is possible, even if people you’ve relied on to provide it don’t change at all.
Trying to get people to correspond to our phantasy expectations seldom brings the desired results. Once you stop expecting a particular response, people actually want to do it. It’s paradoxical. In fact, they’re responding (albeit unconsciously) to a new dynamic that you brought into the relationship. The needy striving is absent.
Acknowledge Your Worth
To the extent we’ve sacrificed our self-satisfaction to other people’s approval, we each need to develop within ourselves the parental approval we want so badly. That’s another reward from releasing the phantasy.
Since lack of acknowledgement is a familiar type of frustration, future articles will show how to reclaim your power and self-respect. For example, Kathy’s treatment by her husband is similar to her mother’s. (Not a coincidence.) Understanding this relationship with her mother in a new way reveals the dynamics that caused her to select him as a husband.
Releasing a phantasy changes yourself – along with the situations you feared would never change. That’s a tangible shift of perspective that changes your future possibilities.
“Niece of Julia Roberts and budding actress Emma Roberts is on her way to fame. She’s set to appear in the new movie “Meet the Millers” alongside Jennifer Anniston this month and stars in the popular television series “American Horror Story”.
But even though 22-year-old Emma’s career is successful, her personal life may not be so wonderful.
On July 7th, Roberts was arrested in a Montreal hotel after police responded to calls about a domestic dispute between her and her boyfriend, actor Evan Peters. Peters was bloody and Roberts was reportedly arrested on the spot.
Often, people understand domestic violence as a male physically attacking or harassing a female, but domestic violence can be between any two people and is often traumatic and difficult to walk away from.
Roberts may even be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, where she can be sweet and head-over-heels for Peters one day, and violent the next. (See my post on BPD here)
Roberts and Peters need to work through their issues without violence to reach a healthy mental state. If you have had an experience with domestic violence, or you’re in a relationship with someone who seems to have BPD, there is help.
Get the help you need. Talk to a trusted loved one or friend, read about BPD and/or domestic violence, and break free. You can even call me for a free consultation.
Hopefully, Roberts and her boyfriend will seek help to establish a more healthy relationship.
Avoiding Conflict is the Biggest Cause of Rage and Anger in a Relationship.
As strange as this may sound,I have found working with my clients for the last 25 years that the number one cause of anger in a relationship is…. AVOIDING CONFLICT.
This is so paradoxical because men and women in a relationship often tell me that they are not wanting to “make waves” so they don’t address really important issues with their partner. From working with hundreds of couples in therapy and couples coaching for the past 25 years I can guarantee you that “not making waves” will cause the largest explosion because the more you ingore something the larger it looms, insisting to be noticed and dealt with.
Avoiding Sexual Conflict is a Big Mistake in a Relationship, causing anger to develop.
Sex is an important source of conflict among couples because one person often feels slighted in getting his/her needs to be honored met. A good relationship thrives because each person is devoted to meeting the needs of their partner. This is a win/win because it enhances intimacy and trust.
The biggest problem couples have: Not Sincerely Listening to your partner’s sexual needs.>
Anger is often the result of not getting your needs acknowledged and met.
Here is the biggest problem that I see couples who are trying to bond and create a lasting relationship have: not listening to what their partner’s sexual needs. Often times couples will ask about their partner’s needs but then wont’ follow through to see that they are met. This can be devastating and cause anger, bringing a lot of couples into therapy.
You have to do more than ask; you have to follow up with your partner and see if they got what they wanted and if not you have to refine the process , always moving in the direction of what your partner wants. If you don’t know how to meet those needs , don’t worry because you can seek and get effective help for this with a therapist or relationship coach who specializes in these issues with couples.
Sex is a communication between two people which can bring them incredibly closer and more intimate in their relationship or can alienate them from each other if it is not handled with open communication and follow through. Since sex is so charged with vulnerable feelings it must be discussed in a way that both people feel heard and valued in what they need from their partner.
Sex talk, more than any other part of sex is the key to intimacy. After the talking however, the most important thing is that each person’s needs and desires are not only heard and acknowledged but followed up with ongoing action.
In therapy and couples coaching I train couples to have constructive sex talk so that their intimacy and trust in each other can deepen and then how to follow through in meeting those needs.
PSYCH-K is re emerging as a popular way to change beliefs in the subconscious mind. It was developed over 20 years ago by Rob Williams a psychologist, who wanted to get better results for his patients. Bruce Lipton author of the groundbreaking book “The Biology of Belief” not only endorses PSYCH-K but uses it his own method of creating changes in his life.
PSYCH-K combines Psychology with Kinesiology in a process that changes beliefs in the subconscious mind. It incorporates elements from NLP and Kinesiology,or muscle testing to communicate with the subconscious mind. Since the subconscious mind controls our behavior, PSYCH-K therapy is a very efficient way to change unwanted behavior, habits, and self esteem.
It was used and tested mostly on Vietnam Veterans who were suffering from intrusive memories from the War. Since then, it has become increasingly popular, due to its ability to move the process of psychotherapy along at a swift pace. Not only does EMDR take the emotional charge off a traumatic event from the past: also, the meaning of that earlier event changes, leading to new self concepts and behaviors.
As the process evolved and became more widely used, therapists realized that they could use it on any troubling event or memoryfrom the past. in my private practice, I work with many “everyday traumas” that cause people to have limiting beliefs about themselves. A child is so vulnerable to its environment in the first 5 or 6 years, that it often gets messages from events about itself; for example…I’m too big/small, lazy, stupid, the “wrong sex”, and deficient in some way, don’t deserve love, am powerless, am a disappointment.
All of these beliefs make sense to the child’s mind, and they need to be explored and understood in that perspective before they can be released to make room for more realistic perspectives and beliefs about the self.
Why is EMDR Psychotherapy so effective in unearthing trauma, and the resulting self-limiting beliefs?
Bessel van der Kolk in discussing the research of Martin Teicher (Teicher etal, 1997) points out that with the new brain imaging technology, we have found that trauma, and the recalling of traumatic experiences occurs in the right hemisphere of the brain and to the exclusion of the left hemisphere. Regular “talking therapy”, without EMDR uses language to process memories. Given that the left hemisphere becomes inactive when a traumatic memory is recalled, it is understandable that verbal therapies have not been able to resolve many issues. Part of what EMDR does is to provide a non-verbal body focus, which seems to stimulate inter-hemispheric activity.
What Is EMDR Therapy?
The client is directed to hold a troubling image in awareness, with its accompanying sensory experiences, and the distorted negative belief (i.e. I am bad, it was my fault, I’m powerless, and I don’t deserve love). Along with this is used alternate bilateral brain stimulation (by eye movements, sound moving from ear to ear or tapping). As the client follows this process, observing his feelings, he experiences a letting go of the feelings and the symptoms that developed as a result of this event. He then is free to live in the present, and feel safe again.
How EMDR Can Be Used With Pain And Healing?
I was using EMDR with a patient who had Multiple Sclerosis. To help her regulate her pain and emotional state. We began by focusing on the pain, along with a picture that represents the pain (from 1 to 10), 10 being the worst it could be. The patient hold all this in awareness, along with the belief about the self they feel as they look at this scene.
She focused on the pain she felt in her ankle, and rated it at a level of disturbance of a 7. The picture was her collapsing onto the floor, when her ankle was too weak to hold her up. The belief she had about herself was “I can’t take care of myself”.
What do you experience with the EMDR Technique?
As we did the EMDR processing while she closed her eyes and tried to hold all these things in her awareness, she saw her self as a child being blamed in an angry way by her mother for not taking care of her younger sister when she was just age 6. Her sister fell out of her high chair and injured her face badly. As we stayed with all these parts of that experience, she had many new thoughts and awarenesses about what the appropriate responsibility roles of her parents and herself at that young age of 6 had been. Shethen began to release the feelings of her own “Badness” and the shame that she had felt from this. This shifted her feeling of unworthiness of having anything good happen to her.
We now needed to work on the pain again in her ankle. As she focused on it, using the EMDR stimulation it came down from a 9 to a 4, in intensity. As I would ask her the level of intesity of her pain, she would report what thoughts were gong through her mind. She pictured many scenes from growing up where she would stop herself from expressing what she wanted or felt, in order to please others. I asked her to step into the scene she was picturing as the grown up adult of today and to help that child (her younger self) by asking the child what would she have needed to make that painful situation a little easier. The chilld’s answer was to know that she was valued. This adult part of my patient was able to re-parent that chld part ofher in exactly the way the child needed it. The amazing thing I have found from working in this way for 18 years, is that when we simply ask ( in a sincere, caring way) those parts of us that are so needy, what is is that they needed then, they will tell us and then we can give it to them, energetically, through our intention.
As we kept reprocessing and desensitizing other incidents she reported a level of pain that varied from 3 to 7. She was much more aware of the pain levels she had, and we built in ways for her to reduce her level of pain with imagery that she could use at any time she wanted.
The other thing that can be done to reduce pain with EMDR is just to focus on the pain using the alternate bi-lateral simulation. This changes a person’s experience in their body.
There is much research to be found on EMDR on the web. Start with www.emdr.com .
Recent years have seen the development of a family of therapies that offer clinically effective alternatives to traditional, long-term treatments. These Power Therapies only require one to three sessions, but the results are usually permanent. Each of them provides noticeable relief from negative emotions, pain, and trauma by “rewiring neural pathways” in the brain.
It doesn’t matter whether the pain suffered is physical or emotional. These methods bring relief from fears and traumas such as: phobias, depression, grief, rape, natural disasters, crime, childhood sexual abuse, and post traumatic stress. Although their methods differ from each other in emphasis and approach, Power Therapies all work by interrupting old habits and reflexes that were established around the painful incidents.
Painful reactions are replaced with non-distressful ones. These methods work by triggering brain activity below the level of conscious control. Emotional intensity also goes down. Relieving lifelong problems in moments seem to defy logic. But a body of documented scientific studies prove the benefits are real. Fortunately, a person doesn’t have to believe in these techniques for them to work.
How does EFT work?
EFT is Easy Enough for a Person to Learn to Do in Minutes
It doesn’t matter whether their pain results from something recent or from long ago. Or whether or not the cause is known. EFT (Emotional Freedom Therapy) works on both the emotional level and the physical level. The mind focuses on the pain or problem at the same time that another response is introduced, whereby a neutral response replaces a painful one.
Everyone suffers from self-limiting fears to some extent. But some people are paralyzed by them. From my experience, the most powerful fears are the unconscious ones. During the tapping sequence with my clients, after one fear gets cleared, another one comes up to be healed.
Once people learn how the tapping is done, it’s simple enough for them to use on themselves whenever they sense fear or pain. Find more information at my website, or at Gary Craig’s extensive EFT website, http://www.emofree.com He offers a free, downloadable instruction manual on that site, with tons of how-to and case studies.
EFT Always Taps Exactly the Right Place.
It was developed by Gary Craig, who simplified Roger Callahan’s revolutionary Thought Field Therapy (TFT). TFT therapists follow complex tapping sequences (protocols) for numerous symptom categories. By contrast, EFT taps on the same meridian points on the face and body for every problem.
Rather than focusing on the traumatic memories (as with most talk-it-out therapies), EFT addresses the true cause, the disruption of the body’s energy system. It’s unnecessary for a person to relive the painful memories.
EFT Tapping works directly on the energy points (meridian system) of the body. Like acupuncture, relief comes (in part) from stimulating the meridians. Only, instead of needles, the person’s meridians are tapped with the fingers. Whether EFT is performed by a therapist or self-applied, over 80 percent of people achieve noticeable improvement or complete cessation of the problem, through EFT Tapping Points.
EFT Applies the Same Steps to Any Negative Emotion
Craig’s system is based on the concept, “The cause of all negative emotions is a disruption in the body’s energy system.” He reasons, since every negative emotion has the same cause (an electrical disruption – a “zzzzzt”) they can all be relieved in a similar manner. It’s unnecessary to focus on diagnosis (or delve into the old wounds) to be successful with EFT.
EFT Simplified Sequence:
1. Identify the problem 2. Apply the Basic Recipe 3. Relief – Complete; Partial; None 4. Test and re-apply if necessary 5. Apply Adjusted Basic Recipe
Each element must be performed precisely as described, and in the proper order. Every round of tapping takes about one minute. Tapping can be done by either hand, on either side of the body. Tap solidly with the index and middle finger on the each tapping point about seven times.
The Basic Recipe Starts with the Setup
The person starts by identifying their fear, negative emotion, or trauma.
The Setup Sentence
“Even though I have this __________, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
Fill in the blank with a short phrase about the problem being addressed, for example: “anger toward my father” or “nightmares.” Sometimes a person can’t “accept themselves,” so we might tap on just that at first – as in, “Even though I can’t accept myself for this and I hate myself right now, I am willing to be willing to accept myself.”
Repeat the statement out loud three times, while simultaneously tapping the “karate chop” point on the side of the hand (or two specific points on the chest). The “karate chop” point (abbreviated KC) is located at the side of the hand about an inch below the baby finger. Vigorously tap the point with the fingertips of the index finger and middle finger of the other hand. While either hand will work, it’s usually most convenient to tap the KC of the non-dominant hand with the fingers of the dominant hand.
This is followed by the Sequence of tapping again. Modify the Setup statement, based on the new issue(s) that might present itself. Then tap another round. Do as many rounds as necessary until the problem is gone. That may require several sessions.
Example of a Client Session
For my clients, I combine EFT with hypnosis and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing – another Power Therapy). Treatments are custom tailored to each person’s particular needs. My success rate is over 80% of clients reporting 60% to 100% reduction of symptoms after treatment.
PROBLEM: A woman in her 30’s is afraid to have some mandatory surgery. She’s terrified of them putting the anesthetic tube down her throat, as in a previous surgery.
FEELING or BELIEF:” I will choke to death” (the belief). FEAR is the feeling. On a scale of one to ten, she rated the fear a ten, as she recalled the last operation (when she thought she was choking from the tube).
First, EMDR (another Power Therapy) lowered the fear. She said after processing with the Eye Movements that the fear went down to a level seven. The belief was, I will be alone (and die that way).
EFT Tapping Points:
When we started EFT Tapping, I had her tap the set-up point on the hand and say with me three times: “Even though I am afraid I will be left alone to die, and that I am helpless, and I judge myself for having this fear, I completely accept myself right now.”
We did one round of tapping on “This FEAR.” Then she reported feeling cold and alone. She remembered a skiing accident when she was lost in the snow for a few hours (where she felt she was surely going to die alone).
We tapped on different aspects of this incident for several rounds. Then she recalled other fears she’s had in her life, which we tapped on. Then we tapped on the humiliation she’s felt for having certain fears. Events that are attached to the same feeling (this type of fear) all come up, one after another.
After we had tapped on each one until it was gone, she measured her level of disturbance around that issue. It was now down to a two. We tapped on “this remaining fear” and it came down to a zero.
Then she made a deep sigh, and her face registered a sense of relief and peace. The new belief: “I am strong and have survived many things that would kill most people.” We tapped this belief in with several rounds. This strengthens the belief even more.
What was the process?
We went back to the memory of the FIRST operation, where she got her tube phobia. She focused on this memory (and checked inside her body for the feeling that went with it). She reported she felt no fear at all.
I had her “run a movie” in her mind of this first operation, from beginning to end; and at the same time, she was to monitor her body for any feeling of fear. I asked her to tell me if she felt any sense of fear as she recounted the experience in detail. At one place in her story, she felt fear of about six. After several rounds of tapping on this, the fear went to zero. We then repeated this process with her “running a movie” of the original experience in her mind. This time she got all the way through the story with no feelings of fear. At the next session the fears were at zero as well.
Two later sessions Future Paced how she’d deal with the surgery with her family and office mates. Future Pacing is a way to create the behavior we want to have in a future situation, through imagery enhanced with EMDR and EFT.
What happened after the session?
She called me several months later to report that she’d gone through the surgery with very little fear. When she felt some fear, she tapped on it using EFT. And it went away. She was grateful for the work we did, because she was also able to ride the train to San Diego with her husband (something she’d never been able to do).
Eliminate Everyday Fear and Frustrations as they Arise
The most amazing thing about EFT – clearing these fears removes scary and self-limiting beliefs that have been driving a person their whole life. The beliefs that have the most power are unconscious, so they have to be carefully teased out. EFT can even be used with relationship issues.
I teach these simple-to-learn EFT techniques to all my clients, including children (who are very good at this) because I think it’s a wonderful tool for managing their anxiety and other negative emotions. People who learn to discharge their fears right away are pleased to discover they don’t have to be afraid of them any more.