Borderline Personality Disorder
“How do I stop obsessing over a BPD lover?” is a question I get over and over again.
The reason that this is such a common question and concern is that BPD’s have an amazing ability to reach into your psyche and resonate with what you desire.
They have a deep connection with the unconscious which gives them an uncanny ability to almost read your mind much of the time.
This causes in their partner a sense of being “seen and heard” which can be very intoxicating…especially if you have never truly felt “seen and heard”.
Actually I have found that most of us have far too little experiences of feeling “seen and heard” But this feeling is what causes deep bonding. It’s what we needed to get from the mother as a baby and when it has been in short supply the person is always yearning for it without realizing it consciously.
I have worked with many men who get hopelessly hooked on theses types of women, some of them who have suffered for years after the BPD left “unexpectedly” with not a trace of how to ever find them.
You can tell if you are in a relationship with a BPD if you:
Are afraid to be honest because you get humiliated when you express an opinion.
Have been cut off from your friends and family so that you no longer have any place to “go” besides being with your partner.
When you try to have a life outside of the BPD you get punished.
Your partner doesn’t listen to you and makes you wrong when you express an opinion or preference to the pojnt where you have stopped expressing any of your “self ‘ since it brings up a huge conflict.
It is so important to get support if you are in a relationship with a BPD partner. Either good therapy or a group that is knowledgeable about this disorder can guide you and get you out of danger.
What can you do about this attraction to a BPD partner?
If you are a partner of a BPD, the only way to move through this pain is to understand what the BPD is triggering in you. It is usually something you haven’t wanted to look at, because it is what we deny or disown that has power over us. When we acknowledge our denied or repressed aspects and can hold them with compassion, we can begin to heal them …finally.
For more about how to understand the dynamics of this kind of relationship, click here.
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